Parenting Challenges - Children and accountability

Last weekend, while Chetan and I were out visiting his aunt who had lost her husband just the night before, I got a call from my oldest son who seemed all hyper and anxious. "Tara and her friend have messed up the wall. There is slime all over the wall", he screamed. She has also locked herself in the bathroom and is crying loudly, he added. 

I listened to him calmly and asked, "Are you okay?" Telling me had calmed him down and he replied, "Yes I am now." I told him that Tara would be okay in a while and to give her space. "She will come out of the bathroom in a while - don't worry."

In a while, Chetan's phone rang and it was Tara on the other side. I don't know what exactly they spoke, but I did hear Chetan tell her it's okay and she shouldn't worry about it. 

When we were back we saw lavender coloured slime spluttered on the wall. It amused us to see everyone in the house all worked up about it. We asked Tara, 'What happened?' 'Why did you throw slime on the wall?' and she blamed her friend. "He asked me to throw slime on the wall" she replied. Her friend responded, "we first did it by mistake and then felt it was fun and so kept throwing it." I could see Tara check my expression. She probably got the message that I wasn't angry or upset and added, "Yes it was lots of fun." I told them that they had to be careful and not spoil the walls and we now had to think about how to repair the damage. 

We didn't have any more discussion until the following day when I checked the wall and tried to scrub off the slime. Some of it peeled off but the rest was stubbornly stuck to the wall. This time, I saw Tara look at the wall with remorse. 'I am sorry. Maybe we could cover it with something - stickers maybe." said she.

I am sharing this example here because similar damages happen all the time. It could be breaking something in the house, or spilling water all over the room or spilling food, soiling the floor with muddy legs...Parents often deal with such situations by bringing in strict rules or grounding the child or denying them something. We forget that it is natural for such things to happen. They do cause some inconvenience for the parent and probably adds up a task of cleaning up or repairing the damage - but they are definitely not the end of life.

We need to remember that,  'A small damage on the wall can result in a long lasting damage on the mind of a child. You could repaint the wall, but how do you repaint your child's mind?' 

When my oldest son was about the age of my daughter (6 years old) he was  constantly told to not write on the walls as it would spoil them. I would immediately try rubbing off any crayon or pencil line that found its way on the wall by mistake. I would blame him for adding more work on my already overflowing plate of work and would bar him from doing things he liked. On seeing the slime spluttered wall, his past memories came alive and made him agitated about it. His experience taught him that drawing on the wall was a crime. His anxiety led him to make Tara own up to her mistake. In fact I can imagine that he would have used the very same words I had used when he made such mistakes. He felt helpless when his sister shut herself in the bathroom. What he didn't understand that blaming her and telling her that 'mom and dad' would get upset was not helping ease the situation.

Tara responded by shutting herself in the bathroom. She was scared and angry and feeling helpless too and simply wanted to go away from the situation. For both it was an ugly experience.

It took Tara some time...in fact a day to share that she was sorry. She took her time to process everything in her mind and take responsibility for what happened. What I liked was that she was also looking toward moving on and finding solutions to repair the damage. 

But my son, hasn't yet spoken about his reflection. The damage in his mind is going to take a long time to heal. 

I have been reading Susan Stiffelmans, "Parenting with Presence." I so wish I had read it when my oldest was small. I would have avoided so many blunders. 

According to Susan, children are more likely to admit to a mistake when they think of honesty as a positive quality than if they think of dishonesty as something that leads to a bad result. So far I have always questioned my children when they hide something or lie. My tone has been authoritative and my question 'why?' has always made them defensive and fearful of a bad result. This probably played a big role in Tara denying a mistake. I realize that I could be more inquisitive than authoritative and I could replace 'why did you do that?" with a non threatening - 'how did that happen?' 

One thing I learnt earlier on is to never force a child to say sorry especially as soon as I notice their mistake or their mistake has been brought to my notice. My children feel at ease about this and say 'sorry' only when they mean it. According to Susan, "We must gently help our children be exposed to the injured heart of another so they can consider the impact of their unkind behaviour." To add to this, I believe we need to trust our child and believe that they would not harm anyone intentionally. Their unkind behaviour definitely has a reasoning behind it. When I say this, I in no way justify that behaviour, I simply ask parents to separate the child and the behaviour. The behaviour has to change and the hurt or the pain that is the cause of that behaviour has to be dealt with. 

Tara took her time to say sorry and said it when she meant it. She did fear my reaction and when her older brother blamed her, she reacted by shutting herself in the bathroom. In no way I justify this behaviour of hers as it resulted in everybody feeling helpless and agitated. Right now I do not have a definite strategy or plan to stop her from behaving this way in the furture. What I know is judging her on this behaviour will not help, nor will it help to infringe a rule to not shut oneself in the bathroom. I do know that once she believes that I will not judge her, blame her or punish her for her mistake and will help her take it in her stride, take responsibility for it and move on, she will stop resorting to such actions.

Parenting: Everyday challenges and an evolving approach

 The word freedom takes an important place in the world of unschooling. Free to learn, freedom to choose, act and behave, freedom from control of adults, freedom from competitions, freedom from constraints from societal norms, religious demands and family expectations are words that we often use while talking about unschooling. 

Last evening, during a Q&A session on 'Unschooling' - a question was raised on 'Freedom'. I don't think I did much justice to the question during the session and later got thinking about it. Here is the question-

"What are your views on Freedom? With the unschooling process and the process of knowing myself, now I am not very constricted in terms of time and needs of my children but I still feel I am not very much aligned with their needs. Is it fear of the consequences or can there be other factors involved?"

Freedom to me is the ability to make choices and decisions about what one wants to do, the way one wants to behave, communicate and relate to others. It is basically having complete control over one's life. It is about taking ownership of one's decisions and choices and willingly taking responsibility for its effects. 

Parents do understand this intellectually, but often fail when it comes to practice. I have struggled with this too. Through the account below - I share my learning and my evolving approach.

 A child decides that he wants to skip lunch and continue playing a video game he is engrossed in. The child probably is completely focused on the game and doesn't want a distraction. The child weighs his hunger and his engagement in the quest and makes a decision that food can wait. 

The parent expects the child to eat at the scheduled time and starts making assumptions: 

1. My child is hungry and needs to eat.

2. This is not good for their health.

3. My child doesn't understand the importance of eating

4. My child will fall sick

5. This is not a good habit

6. Too much gaming and screen time is not good for children.

7. Their eyes will get damaged.

8. So much food is left over and will get wasted and so I will have to eat the leftovers.

9. My child doesn't want to listen to me or listen to common sense.

10. My child is too small to know what is good for him / her.

11. It is my duty as a parent to teach my child what is right and wrong...what is good or bad.

12. Thus I have to make my child listen to me and obey me.

Through such a self talk, the parent justifies that it is their right to expect their child to obey them. In doing so they compromise on the right to freedom of the child. They use various means to get their children to comply - tell them or order them, or even worse use their power and threaten or punish the child or try to lure them through bribes and rewards. Most children comply - not because they want to, but in apprehension of a threat or a punishment. Another reason for compliance is an expectation of a reward or something in return. Some children do comply as they want to please their parents and make them happy. In all such scenarios the child isn't complying to satisfy their need to eat or because they reason out the need to eat together as a family, but in fear or in expectation of something external. 

                                       

The parent in this justification take control over their child and their right to decide for themselves - i.e their freedom. In the process, they not only deny them freedom, but also mistrust their children.

What if the conversation with the child was different. What if it went this way:

The mother goes to her child and engages in a conversation

O wow - you have really progressed in this game. Which level are you at?

Child while continuing to play - "I am at level 8...and will complete it in a matter of few minutes."

Mother - "Lunch is almost ready. I am hoping to have lunch together as I have to go out for a meeting."

Child - "I hope to finish by the time you set the table."

Mother sets the table and the child isn't willing to let go of his game.

Mother - "I see you failed the level and have started it again."

Child - "Yes ma, I got killed and lost all my lives. I so want to finish it before I eat."

Mother - "Oh dear, I have to go out soon. Would you clear the table after eating? Do put everything back in the kitchen. I will clear the kitchen and wash the dishes after I come back. Hope that's fine with you?"

Child - "Sure mom"

What do you experience when you read this conversation. The mother is engaged with her child. She starts the conversation by engaging in what the child is doing. That way she enters her child's world and is comfortable with her child's quest. She aligns herself to the needs of her child. At the same time she is aware of her needs too. Instead of being authoritative and controlling. She comes up with a solution that is a win win for both, the child feels free and secure and the mom feels content and happy. 

It might so happen that when the mother returns, she finds uncovered leftover food yet on the table. A dirty plate lying on the floor next to the child's computer table and her child yet playing the same game. The mother then loses her cool and lashes out at her child for being irresponsible and careless. In her anger, she orders her son to shut his game and disconnects the internet connection. She bars him from playing any games. Her son sulks and is angry too for his mother has denied him something he loves the most. He either rebels and plays on the sly or just wallows in feelings of self pity and hatred for the parent or simply complies in fear of his parent's reaction. 

Or it could also happen that the mother feels helpless and doesn't want any more bad blood between them and gives up. She silently cleans up everything while feeling dejected and let down on the inside. She bottles up her feelings until a day when she cannot hold her emotions anymore and has a melt down. The meltdown makes her son feel guilty and helpless.

I have been in this situation and have learnt that this behaviour doesn't help. All it does is create a lose lose situation where both the mom and the child lose. The mom loses as she feels guilty and blames herself for being a bad mom. She starts feeling she isn't doing enough to teach her child the values of responsibility, respect, obedience, caring...Her guilt and self blames makes her stricter and stricter and her relationship with her child falls to a new low, every time she uses force and compulsion.

In my family too, such scenes were common. I often nagged and labeled my children and used any tool to get them to comply. Every time they disobeyed was a big blow to my ego and feelings of guilt ensured a new low. Things changed only when I stopped taking my child's actions personally. I told myself that I cannot judge myself on the basis of my child's actions. If my child does not display acceptable or expected behavior - doesn't mean that I am a bad mom and I haven't taught my child values. 

What has also helped me is to accept that my children are in charge of themselves and I am in charge of the family. Thus once my child commits to something and doesn't do it - the job isn't mine to teach him a lesson. My job is to stand up as a team member and support my child to finish the responsibility he has undertaken. Thus now when I come back to an untidy dining table and soiled plate - I greet my child and say..."oh dear someones forgotten to clean the table and pick up one's plate. Let's take a pause and do it immediately." 

My children do negotiate 'immediately bit' and I usually ask - how much time till your level gets over. I sit with my children and engage myself with their game till the level is complete and then remind them gently and sometimes jokingly to take a pause. In my experience - they usually comply and get their job done. However, if I tell them and recede into my world - I need to remind them again and again and I don't see the job being done. 

When deeply engrossed in something, even I forget certain tasks such as turning the gas off when the milk is boiling or keep the trash out. I even forget to drink my tea. Thus if I can forget, so can my children. This is plain forgetfulness and not a mark on one's character or value set. Thus labeling them as careless or irresponsible doesn't help. Nor does it help to get angry or helpless about it.

Children like it when their parents take interest in their lives and spending a few minutes watching them play and engaging in light humored conversation restores their belief that their parents are genuinely interested in their life.

I have also learnt that the connection between a parent and the child has to be two ways and hence I often share about my day with them. It is important that my child sees me as an individual and not just a parent. Thus involving them in my life, my decisions, choices and challenges makes them feel that they are part of my world. They feel valued as contributors and not as mere recipients of everything their parents provide. 

It is never too late to change. It does take some time for the connection to be re-established especially when the child has gone through reprimanding behaviour of their parent for a long time or have been expecting something in return all the time. As a parent, I have had to be patient and have had to remind myself that my children can simply forget to complete a task. They do not have any negative intentions and I need to resist my urge to label and make value judgments.