Parenting: Everyday challenges and an evolving approach

 The word freedom takes an important place in the world of unschooling. Free to learn, freedom to choose, act and behave, freedom from control of adults, freedom from competitions, freedom from constraints from societal norms, religious demands and family expectations are words that we often use while talking about unschooling. 

Last evening, during a Q&A session on 'Unschooling' - a question was raised on 'Freedom'. I don't think I did much justice to the question during the session and later got thinking about it. Here is the question-

"What are your views on Freedom? With the unschooling process and the process of knowing myself, now I am not very constricted in terms of time and needs of my children but I still feel I am not very much aligned with their needs. Is it fear of the consequences or can there be other factors involved?"

Freedom to me is the ability to make choices and decisions about what one wants to do, the way one wants to behave, communicate and relate to others. It is basically having complete control over one's life. It is about taking ownership of one's decisions and choices and willingly taking responsibility for its effects. 

Parents do understand this intellectually, but often fail when it comes to practice. I have struggled with this too. Through the account below - I share my learning and my evolving approach.

 A child decides that he wants to skip lunch and continue playing a video game he is engrossed in. The child probably is completely focused on the game and doesn't want a distraction. The child weighs his hunger and his engagement in the quest and makes a decision that food can wait. 

The parent expects the child to eat at the scheduled time and starts making assumptions: 

1. My child is hungry and needs to eat.

2. This is not good for their health.

3. My child doesn't understand the importance of eating

4. My child will fall sick

5. This is not a good habit

6. Too much gaming and screen time is not good for children.

7. Their eyes will get damaged.

8. So much food is left over and will get wasted and so I will have to eat the leftovers.

9. My child doesn't want to listen to me or listen to common sense.

10. My child is too small to know what is good for him / her.

11. It is my duty as a parent to teach my child what is right and wrong...what is good or bad.

12. Thus I have to make my child listen to me and obey me.

Through such a self talk, the parent justifies that it is their right to expect their child to obey them. In doing so they compromise on the right to freedom of the child. They use various means to get their children to comply - tell them or order them, or even worse use their power and threaten or punish the child or try to lure them through bribes and rewards. Most children comply - not because they want to, but in apprehension of a threat or a punishment. Another reason for compliance is an expectation of a reward or something in return. Some children do comply as they want to please their parents and make them happy. In all such scenarios the child isn't complying to satisfy their need to eat or because they reason out the need to eat together as a family, but in fear or in expectation of something external. 

                                       

The parent in this justification take control over their child and their right to decide for themselves - i.e their freedom. In the process, they not only deny them freedom, but also mistrust their children.

What if the conversation with the child was different. What if it went this way:

The mother goes to her child and engages in a conversation

O wow - you have really progressed in this game. Which level are you at?

Child while continuing to play - "I am at level 8...and will complete it in a matter of few minutes."

Mother - "Lunch is almost ready. I am hoping to have lunch together as I have to go out for a meeting."

Child - "I hope to finish by the time you set the table."

Mother sets the table and the child isn't willing to let go of his game.

Mother - "I see you failed the level and have started it again."

Child - "Yes ma, I got killed and lost all my lives. I so want to finish it before I eat."

Mother - "Oh dear, I have to go out soon. Would you clear the table after eating? Do put everything back in the kitchen. I will clear the kitchen and wash the dishes after I come back. Hope that's fine with you?"

Child - "Sure mom"

What do you experience when you read this conversation. The mother is engaged with her child. She starts the conversation by engaging in what the child is doing. That way she enters her child's world and is comfortable with her child's quest. She aligns herself to the needs of her child. At the same time she is aware of her needs too. Instead of being authoritative and controlling. She comes up with a solution that is a win win for both, the child feels free and secure and the mom feels content and happy. 

It might so happen that when the mother returns, she finds uncovered leftover food yet on the table. A dirty plate lying on the floor next to the child's computer table and her child yet playing the same game. The mother then loses her cool and lashes out at her child for being irresponsible and careless. In her anger, she orders her son to shut his game and disconnects the internet connection. She bars him from playing any games. Her son sulks and is angry too for his mother has denied him something he loves the most. He either rebels and plays on the sly or just wallows in feelings of self pity and hatred for the parent or simply complies in fear of his parent's reaction. 

Or it could also happen that the mother feels helpless and doesn't want any more bad blood between them and gives up. She silently cleans up everything while feeling dejected and let down on the inside. She bottles up her feelings until a day when she cannot hold her emotions anymore and has a melt down. The meltdown makes her son feel guilty and helpless.

I have been in this situation and have learnt that this behaviour doesn't help. All it does is create a lose lose situation where both the mom and the child lose. The mom loses as she feels guilty and blames herself for being a bad mom. She starts feeling she isn't doing enough to teach her child the values of responsibility, respect, obedience, caring...Her guilt and self blames makes her stricter and stricter and her relationship with her child falls to a new low, every time she uses force and compulsion.

In my family too, such scenes were common. I often nagged and labeled my children and used any tool to get them to comply. Every time they disobeyed was a big blow to my ego and feelings of guilt ensured a new low. Things changed only when I stopped taking my child's actions personally. I told myself that I cannot judge myself on the basis of my child's actions. If my child does not display acceptable or expected behavior - doesn't mean that I am a bad mom and I haven't taught my child values. 

What has also helped me is to accept that my children are in charge of themselves and I am in charge of the family. Thus once my child commits to something and doesn't do it - the job isn't mine to teach him a lesson. My job is to stand up as a team member and support my child to finish the responsibility he has undertaken. Thus now when I come back to an untidy dining table and soiled plate - I greet my child and say..."oh dear someones forgotten to clean the table and pick up one's plate. Let's take a pause and do it immediately." 

My children do negotiate 'immediately bit' and I usually ask - how much time till your level gets over. I sit with my children and engage myself with their game till the level is complete and then remind them gently and sometimes jokingly to take a pause. In my experience - they usually comply and get their job done. However, if I tell them and recede into my world - I need to remind them again and again and I don't see the job being done. 

When deeply engrossed in something, even I forget certain tasks such as turning the gas off when the milk is boiling or keep the trash out. I even forget to drink my tea. Thus if I can forget, so can my children. This is plain forgetfulness and not a mark on one's character or value set. Thus labeling them as careless or irresponsible doesn't help. Nor does it help to get angry or helpless about it.

Children like it when their parents take interest in their lives and spending a few minutes watching them play and engaging in light humored conversation restores their belief that their parents are genuinely interested in their life.

I have also learnt that the connection between a parent and the child has to be two ways and hence I often share about my day with them. It is important that my child sees me as an individual and not just a parent. Thus involving them in my life, my decisions, choices and challenges makes them feel that they are part of my world. They feel valued as contributors and not as mere recipients of everything their parents provide. 

It is never too late to change. It does take some time for the connection to be re-established especially when the child has gone through reprimanding behaviour of their parent for a long time or have been expecting something in return all the time. As a parent, I have had to be patient and have had to remind myself that my children can simply forget to complete a task. They do not have any negative intentions and I need to resist my urge to label and make value judgments.