Unschooling 7 : Are my children eating enough?

Are my children eating enough? This question had always made me anxious...in fact so anxious that at times I thought I had an anxiety issue with regard to the eating habits of my children. This anxiety tripled as I have three children - and food was the last thing on their mind. Though to be honest - this has changed in my oldest - his problem now is that he is always hungry and is looking for food all the time. This need for food has also motivated him to learn cooking and much to my delight he spends a lot of time surfing through recipes.

And to think about it - I can see a transformation in my second son too - while I am writing this piece, he is preparing breakfast for himself - yippee. In the last one month, I have seen him devour fruits and is opening up to vegetables too. He is eating and that too with a lot of joy. For a complete junk foodie - who used to prefer burgers, pizza, chips and coke over anything else is now eating our Indian meal preparations too - and boy ain't I happy...

My daughter who is just five years old causes me some concern as there are days when she exists on air and water. This concern isn't as bad as it used to be some years ago when my boys were yet young probably around the same age as my daughter. 

My anxiety in those days, was mainly triggered by the pressure I put on myself to 'display children' who in the eyes of all those I came across - were well fed, chubby and cute. However my children were in no way all that - they were frail and skinny. They would refuse to eat anything served during the birthday parties they were invited to and would find excuses to not eat their packed tiffin while at school. At home, I would struggle to think of dishes they would like to eat and make them healthy meals. I would use bribes, threats, punishments - whatever came to my mind - to just get them to finish their meal. Even today I choke thinking of the amount of stress I would take on myself.

Why did I take on this stress? It was probably because I felt every one was judging me. Once I heard a remark - 'I think the mama eats up all the baby food.' Another comment, 'your children are so skinny - don't you give them enough to eat. The worst comment of all, 'When you focus on your career - you end up neglecting your children - see how malnourished they look'. As these comments were showered in plenty - my near and dear ones also kept commenting on the size of my children. They never pointed out the bright and happy faces, but were sure to point out their skinniness. Their comments began the minute I brought my babies into this world. And yes, it was all about my breast milk - that it wasn't giving them enough nutrition and I was being mean by not starting them on formula. The one's who passed these comments had chosen the convenience of formula over breast milk during their time and wanted me to do the same. 

My stress increased many folds - as I was never sure of the right answer. I was confused. One article said this and another said that. Some people gave me this advice and others told me the exact opposite. In all that stress and pressure, I became blind to what I sensed and what meaning I made of everything.

 I did not ask myself - what did I want? I did not see - what my children wanted and what was force feeding doing to them? I used to have nightmares - that while all other children grew taller, stronger and did well in studies as well as sports - my children would not grow. They would yet remain tiny.

As a child, many notions about food were drilled into me - eat everything on your plate, do not waste, eat whatever has been cooked, meal timings cannot be missed etc etc. For me food became something that had to be done and over with. So I would approach food with mindlessness, finish everything within five minutes. I never really tasted and enjoyed food. Gradually my body became accustomed to eating anything and everything served. Somewhere I was trying to transfer my learned notions about food on to my children and expected them to approach food the same way I did.

How did all this change? Some part of me believes that as my children grew older i.e neared teenage years - their body started demanding more and they developed taste for all kinds of food and started craving for variety. 

A huge part of me believes that - once I threw away all the food and nutrition books away, stopped reading about food habits among children on the internet, stopped getting all nuts about their eating habits and I stopped nagging them about food, they changed. This happened once I started believing that children are aware of their body and know it when it needs food. They also have the ability to decide what, when and how much to eat. They can also fix something for themselves and do not need me to cook food for them all the time. 

Once I had gotten over my inhibitions and mainly I stopped nagging my children, things started looking up. I started involving them in deciding the menu and stopped forcing them to eat the 'so called healthy' food and my boys started taking active interest in the kitchen, started helping me cut and chop, cook, plate and eat with joy.

I am no longer fixated about what type of food one eats during a particular meal and I am not rigid about following a particular order. It is okay to have breakfast pancakes for lunch or dinner and it is perfectly fine to start your meal with a dessert. It is okay to eat junk and give in to one's craving - if that is what your body needs. We now focus on the experience and our learning from it and we live by 'no rules' in food matters. 

As a friend and an NLP coach says - 'Listen to your body'. It will tell you when you are hungry and what you are hungry for. I realize when children are born - they know when they are hungry - they eat only when they are hungry. We rely on irrelevant research articles on nutrition which tells us what is right and wrong and good and bad about food and don't listen and observe our own children. It is us parents who ruin everything by feeding them at 'standardized timings and quantity'. We end up force feeding them - while some children give in and just eat whatever is put in their plate (they stop thinking about whether this is what they need) and we parents feel a big sense of relief and a bigger sense of achievement. Other children like mine - continue to fight for their agency - fight to say that we want our autonomy and in that process also suffer a bit as they do go hungry and feel unaccepted and unloved too and at times this does have a long lasting impact on their mental health. 

I am happy that I learnt before it was too late. It would have been even more dreadful, had I succeeded in taming my children to just eat what was given on their plate. I am happy that I got cured from this 'food anxiety' and my children have experienced food autonomy - for now they know they are in charge of their body and have the freedom to make choices.  

Lockdown diary 27 : 'Thoughts around rescuing a baby owl and more'

Last morning C brought home an owlet, which was initially mistaken for a baby eagle. Bringing this new being into the house, triggered humongous excitement among everybody as the children woke up one by one to our zest of making it comfortable, keeping our curious cats away and our discovery, 'its a baby eagle - no it looks like an owl'. A huge part of us wanted the children to be involved and present with us in our experience of this beautiful yet vulnerable creation of nature. The little baby, probably scared and tired from the impact of falling down from its nest - simply gave itself to our mercy and probably was just happy to find a place - made all soft and cozy by us to sleep. (Owls are nocturnal you see and need their sleep during day time.)

As we all quietened down...we faced the question that was present all through out our excitement - 'What should we do with it?' especially as we had no clue about how to take care of it. Google came to our rescue with each one of us typing in what should we do with a rescued baby owl? Members of a Whatsapp group that are used to living in the wild were also consulted.

My daughter took on the role of a pet mother and kept pleading to us to keep it. Her innocent mind felt that our home was the safest place for this little thing and we were equipped to look after it. She felt very sad when we told her that we would have to leave it back where we found it...and after many tears and a huge vent out, she cooled down and said she was okay about taking it back and wanted to accompany us when we did so.

Later in the evening, just as advised by google and this Whatsapp group, C took this baby back to the spot he found it. Just as shared on google and much to his relief the little bird started climbing up a tree and was back into its natural habitat.

As I was soaking in this eventful day...many thoughts and questions arose in my mind. Nature has created a circle of life - were we tampering with it - by bringing this owlet home? Should we have just trusted nature to take it's course - maybe the baby would have found it way back to its nest as soon as it recovered from the fall. Or maybe the Owl parents would have found it and taken it to safety. Or it could have become a snake or some predator birds meal, or it could have simply died by the impact of the fall...

As my thoughts wandered around the ways of nature, I saw a message stating that the lockdown has been extended for a few more weeks. The question - should we simply let nature take its course here? Or should we simply abide by the rules laid down by our government and not step out for a extended time period? My thoughts moved on to an article I read about the collapse of our economy and how tough it is going to be for life to get back to normal. I worked my logic around this - would I feel comfortable going out when I knew that I could get infected (my area has many covid positive cases). Would I want to suffer and probably die because of a tiny virus especially when my dreams and aspirations haven't yet been fulfilled? Do I believe that I have a strong immunity to fight the virus in case I got infected? Would I push myself into fire and rely on my fate to take care of me? Or would it be wiser to just be at home...its just a matter of a few more weeks.

It is possible for me to stay at home for a few more weeks. What about the others? The people living with space constraints? People living off charity? People with mental health issues, people with addictions? People feeling insecure about their future? Women and children subject to domestic abuse - both physical and social? Is the government thinking about them? Has our society been brought down to the 'survival of the fittest' kind of situation? Are we in a situation like the character 'Amu' faces in the movie 'Thappad' - are we going to neglect the dignity of many such vulnerable people - and expect them to 'let go' and 'move on' as though no harm was caused to them?

What about the doctors and the policemen - all our frontline workers who are working tirelessly in absolute unbearable circumstances? They are risking their lives everyday in performing their duty. Are they getting a fair deal here?

While I read and listen to stories of our Samaritans working round the clock ensuring that the needy get food and the essential services do not stop - I am yet to read a story of a politician or super rich people leaving the comforts of their home to feed people and make alternate arrangements for them to live. I am yet to see them visit hospitals, take a walk on our streets, visit space crunched areas and witness the dire situation of people who have brought them to power...I am yet to see them turn into Samaritans.