Unschooling 7 : Are my children eating enough?

Are my children eating enough? This question had always made me anxious...in fact so anxious that at times I thought I had an anxiety issue with regard to the eating habits of my children. This anxiety tripled as I have three children - and food was the last thing on their mind. Though to be honest - this has changed in my oldest - his problem now is that he is always hungry and is looking for food all the time. This need for food has also motivated him to learn cooking and much to my delight he spends a lot of time surfing through recipes.

And to think about it - I can see a transformation in my second son too - while I am writing this piece, he is preparing breakfast for himself - yippee. In the last one month, I have seen him devour fruits and is opening up to vegetables too. He is eating and that too with a lot of joy. For a complete junk foodie - who used to prefer burgers, pizza, chips and coke over anything else is now eating our Indian meal preparations too - and boy ain't I happy...

My daughter who is just five years old causes me some concern as there are days when she exists on air and water. This concern isn't as bad as it used to be some years ago when my boys were yet young probably around the same age as my daughter. 

My anxiety in those days, was mainly triggered by the pressure I put on myself to 'display children' who in the eyes of all those I came across - were well fed, chubby and cute. However my children were in no way all that - they were frail and skinny. They would refuse to eat anything served during the birthday parties they were invited to and would find excuses to not eat their packed tiffin while at school. At home, I would struggle to think of dishes they would like to eat and make them healthy meals. I would use bribes, threats, punishments - whatever came to my mind - to just get them to finish their meal. Even today I choke thinking of the amount of stress I would take on myself.

Why did I take on this stress? It was probably because I felt every one was judging me. Once I heard a remark - 'I think the mama eats up all the baby food.' Another comment, 'your children are so skinny - don't you give them enough to eat. The worst comment of all, 'When you focus on your career - you end up neglecting your children - see how malnourished they look'. As these comments were showered in plenty - my near and dear ones also kept commenting on the size of my children. They never pointed out the bright and happy faces, but were sure to point out their skinniness. Their comments began the minute I brought my babies into this world. And yes, it was all about my breast milk - that it wasn't giving them enough nutrition and I was being mean by not starting them on formula. The one's who passed these comments had chosen the convenience of formula over breast milk during their time and wanted me to do the same. 

My stress increased many folds - as I was never sure of the right answer. I was confused. One article said this and another said that. Some people gave me this advice and others told me the exact opposite. In all that stress and pressure, I became blind to what I sensed and what meaning I made of everything.

 I did not ask myself - what did I want? I did not see - what my children wanted and what was force feeding doing to them? I used to have nightmares - that while all other children grew taller, stronger and did well in studies as well as sports - my children would not grow. They would yet remain tiny.

As a child, many notions about food were drilled into me - eat everything on your plate, do not waste, eat whatever has been cooked, meal timings cannot be missed etc etc. For me food became something that had to be done and over with. So I would approach food with mindlessness, finish everything within five minutes. I never really tasted and enjoyed food. Gradually my body became accustomed to eating anything and everything served. Somewhere I was trying to transfer my learned notions about food on to my children and expected them to approach food the same way I did.

How did all this change? Some part of me believes that as my children grew older i.e neared teenage years - their body started demanding more and they developed taste for all kinds of food and started craving for variety. 

A huge part of me believes that - once I threw away all the food and nutrition books away, stopped reading about food habits among children on the internet, stopped getting all nuts about their eating habits and I stopped nagging them about food, they changed. This happened once I started believing that children are aware of their body and know it when it needs food. They also have the ability to decide what, when and how much to eat. They can also fix something for themselves and do not need me to cook food for them all the time. 

Once I had gotten over my inhibitions and mainly I stopped nagging my children, things started looking up. I started involving them in deciding the menu and stopped forcing them to eat the 'so called healthy' food and my boys started taking active interest in the kitchen, started helping me cut and chop, cook, plate and eat with joy.

I am no longer fixated about what type of food one eats during a particular meal and I am not rigid about following a particular order. It is okay to have breakfast pancakes for lunch or dinner and it is perfectly fine to start your meal with a dessert. It is okay to eat junk and give in to one's craving - if that is what your body needs. We now focus on the experience and our learning from it and we live by 'no rules' in food matters. 

As a friend and an NLP coach says - 'Listen to your body'. It will tell you when you are hungry and what you are hungry for. I realize when children are born - they know when they are hungry - they eat only when they are hungry. We rely on irrelevant research articles on nutrition which tells us what is right and wrong and good and bad about food and don't listen and observe our own children. It is us parents who ruin everything by feeding them at 'standardized timings and quantity'. We end up force feeding them - while some children give in and just eat whatever is put in their plate (they stop thinking about whether this is what they need) and we parents feel a big sense of relief and a bigger sense of achievement. Other children like mine - continue to fight for their agency - fight to say that we want our autonomy and in that process also suffer a bit as they do go hungry and feel unaccepted and unloved too and at times this does have a long lasting impact on their mental health. 

I am happy that I learnt before it was too late. It would have been even more dreadful, had I succeeded in taming my children to just eat what was given on their plate. I am happy that I got cured from this 'food anxiety' and my children have experienced food autonomy - for now they know they are in charge of their body and have the freedom to make choices.