Why, what and how of Observations?

 This post was triggered by a question raised by a mom who is homeschooling her child. Her question was how to observe and how long do I observe the child? To this I add a question - what do I do with everything I observe?

Being a mother of three, a parenting and homeschooling guide and facilitator and a former teacher, educator and social work professional - a major part of my work has been to observe and to be honest here - none of my education and courses taught me how to observe. Many a times I faltered as I didn't observe enough or I was quick to form my conclusions. Many a times, my beliefs, values and perspectives and opinions blinded my ability to observe and compelled me to be judgmental. My judgments and conclusions often led me to actions that were un-resourceful and unhelpful. 

Thus lets start by exploring "what is observation?"

Observation as I understand is the skill to use all our senses to gather information about what is happening in the surrounding we are in. It is essential for us to be present in the scenario and to keep our senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing and smell alive. 

Lets take an example: My six year old daughter was playing a 'pretend play' game with her soft toys. She was feeding them pretend food, cleaning their diaper, giving them a bath. I was sitting close by - reading a book. My attention shifted to what she was doing and I started observing her - 

1. What do I see - soft toys were arranged in a line. She picked up one toy at a time. She did one task at a time - i.e. brushed their teeth one by one, changed their clothes one by one. The clothes were all piled up in a heap. She served them food asking them what would they like to have and gave them options of what was prepared. I observed that she was listening to the sounds coming from the garden outside. The room was brightly lit by the sun shining in through the window, I saw Tara's hand covering her eyes every time she looked at the sun. 

2. What do I hear - her tone going high - when she emphasized something. Going low and soft when she put her dolls to sleep. I could hear her laughing, chatting away with them. Occasionally I heard sounds made by the toys, the birds chirping outside, chatter coming from the garden outside.

3. What do I smell - I smelt my perfume and my lotion. I smelt a damp smell coming from one of her toys. I smelt oreo biscuits.

4. What do I touch - I felt the breeze coming from the window and the fan, the heat from the sun shining into the room, I felt my feet touching the hard floor and occasionally the soft mat she was sitting on. 

5. What do I taste - I tasted my saliva. I sensed my mouth going dry and the taste of water I drank. I tasted the crushed oreos she plated for me. 

What I observed were facts. There were no judgements - mere facts and I was the one acquiring these facts and no one else was doing it for me. As I was observing, I was also part of her play. She had given me the role of a grandma who just sat and watched or read a book while she looked after toy babies.

As she was playing and enjoying herself, I saw her suddenly stop and say out loudly, "I am going out to play" and before I could react she was gone, leaving me in a room with toys scattered all around, Crushed oreo biscuits all over. 

A glance around the room got my temper soaring and I fumed out of the room saying, "Once again she has left without tidying up the room". I called out to her from the window and in a stern voice, asked her to come home at once. In my mind, I had already labelled her as irresponsible, indisciplined and careless. Fearing my reaction, she ran away to the farther part of the garden and hid away from me, making me boil even more. 

Why do you all think this happened - "why did such a lovely experience turn so bitter?" As I later reflected on everything that happened I learnt -

1. I was observing and I had accumulated information that I didn't use. I did not pay heed to an important observation that she was listening to the sounds coming from the garden. She was probably waiting to hear her friends voices. I wasn't making use of these observations to understand my daughter and her need to rush out to play.
2. I wasn't paying attention to a developmental need of children of that age to want to play with peers, make friends and discover themselves in the company of those who so far weren't a significant part of their life.
3. I let my need to continue with the experience and not have her end it abruptly put me into fight mode - where I used my position of authority as a parent to get her to follow my order to come home immediately.
4. I was quick to conclude and label her as careless, indisciplined and irresponsible and I had deleted / ignored observed facts that displayed responsibility and care. 
5. I was quick to generalize too. I generalized and labelled her and said that she was all this - as though she was going to be this way for ever.
6. I let my anger and frustration take control over me and stopped reasoning out the happenings. 
7. I didn't think of how my actions were creating an impact on her. I didn't ask myself - is this the outcome I desire?

If one goes through all the data that was accumulated during observation,  one realizes that I was a passive observer. I hadn't used the observation to enter my daughters world. Had I done so, I would have probably asked her  whether she was hearing something in the garden. She would have then told me that she waiting for her friends and would like to go out when she hears them playing in the garden. I would have probably been better prepared for what she would do as soon as she heard her friends playing and could have facilitated clean up well in advance, or could have reminded her to clean up before going out or simply been okay with postponing the clean up and doing it together later after she returned home. Or I could have recognized my need to clean up and done it so myself - without attaching anymore thoughts to it.

Thus how can observation help a parent:

1. Observation provides important data.
2. Observation helps parents enter the world of their children and engage with them in their play or activity.
3. Observation provides us data that would help us keep away from an unresourceful response of either fight or flight. (I haven't discussed the flight response through this example)
4. Observed data if used correctly can build acceptance and a non judgmental attitude that in turn makes a child feel safe and comfortable. 
5. It helps build trust between the parent and the child. 
6. The child connects with their parent openly and freely and also feels valued.
7. All this results in a more resourceful environment where every experience is joyful.

Whether we homeschool / unschool or send our child to school. Our actions toward our children leave a deep impact on our children. Our actions and our observations of how are actions are received give us important cues for reflection and learning. My reflections from this experience taught me to be more open, understanding and accepting toward my child. It taught me to stop, breathe, think and then act.