We have entered the phase 5 of the lockdown and it feels weird to see everything opening up in spite of the alarming increase in the number of cases. I just received a message stating that area-wise non essential shops to remain open between 9:00 am to 5:00 pm on alternate days. I already have a list of non essentials ranging from underwear to umbrellas that I need to buy. My children are happy that toy shops would be open and I feel a bit guilty to see the consumerist streak making to the bright spot in my life. 'I was to learn to go slow and minimal during lockdown,' I tell myself and then get into a inner dialogue about how I need to replace certain things and that they have now progressed from non essential to essential goods.
The news about the death of the pregnant elephant and its comparison to the pregnant and yet jailed anti CAA protester numbs me. Am I becoming apathetic? Or have I given up hope? I turn my attention to my children who brought in our neighbourhood kittens and their mommy indoors as they felt that they were unsafe in the outdoors during the impending cyclone. The efforts and the focus with which all three worked to find them, bring them home and make them comfortable was so touching. I appease myself by saying, "I have no control over certain things happening around the world...what I can do is to take solace in the fact that I am doing many things right - as my children are growing up to be sensitive and empathetic individuals caring for the well-being of creatures around them.
My belief in being loving and caring about all creatures great and small was challenged when my daughter woke up in the wee hours of the night complaining of an intolerable ear ache. The ache was so bad that she didn't want me to touch her ear to check what was was wrong. As the mobile torch was turned on and its light directed toward her ear, I saw a centimetre long insect emerge out of her ear. My reflex was to catch it and squish it so that it would do no more damage to my little girl. However I missed and the insect got into her hair. It was picked up by C and he set it free in the grass just outside our house. In fear I said, "Why didn't you kill it? Why did you let it go? What if it comes back again?" But the deed of setting it free was already done...
I slept the night in fear, waking every now and then imagining the insect trying to get back into my daughter's ear. I wondered whether people felt threatened by this pregnant elephant just the way I got scared of the insect. I read an update on the elephant that died in the morning - it said that the pineapple with the crackers was meant for wild boars and not the elephant. So we have a discrimination system with animals too and wild boars are way down in the hierarchy of animals. How insane!
Today is my dad's first death anniversary according to the Hindu Calendar. It's a year already. I miss him a lot and most often forget that he is no more. It feels like he has gone on a holiday and will return soon. A part of me is glad that he didn't live to witness this lockdown and see how a tiny virus has brought the world to a stand still. I shudder at the thought of him falling sick during lockdown and hospitals turning him away from being admitted.
His last days were tough. He had a bypass surgery and he passed away in the ICU during post surgery recovery. He was on the ventilator and covered with tubes. I don't think I will ever forget the helpless look on his face. I entered the ICU to see him just before he passed away. His eyes looked lifeless and his hands were cold. The doctor said that the situation was not good and that they had no hopes. The ventilator was keeping him alive while all his other organs were giving up. He said that they would wait for a couple of hours. I was scared and I became numb. I mumbled something - which probably told the doctor to do whatever they felt was right. I walked out of the ICU and that was when I felt my tears trickling down. I knew that he wasn't going to survive. I realized that he had already left this world.
My mother in law had passed away about a year earlier and was also covered with tubes - she was on the ventilator as well as dialysis. Seeing my dad all helpless brought back those images of her lifelessness. I felt I had wronged a second time. I felt that I had made a huge mistake and had tried to tamper with the process of death. Many questions arose like a forest on fire - Would my dad have been happier to pass away in the comforts of his home, surrounded by his loved ones? Why didn't I take the decision of not putting him through this torture? Why did I not discuss death with him and ask him how would he want to pass away? Can we ever win a fight with death? Do I want to win a fight with death? How would I want to die? Is there life after death? What happens to our soul after we die? Do we really become stars? Is there a place called heaven? Is he at peace? Is he happy now? Does he know that I miss him?
While I yet don't have answers to most of these questions, I surely know that I don't want to die with a cracker bursting in my mouth. I surely don't want to die after being squished. I don't want anyone to become George Floyd and I definitely don't want to die alone or in the confines of a hospital room.
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