Parenting Challenges - Children and accountability

Last weekend, while Chetan and I were out visiting his aunt who had lost her husband just the night before, I got a call from my oldest son who seemed all hyper and anxious. "Tara and her friend have messed up the wall. There is slime all over the wall", he screamed. She has also locked herself in the bathroom and is crying loudly, he added. 

I listened to him calmly and asked, "Are you okay?" Telling me had calmed him down and he replied, "Yes I am now." I told him that Tara would be okay in a while and to give her space. "She will come out of the bathroom in a while - don't worry."

In a while, Chetan's phone rang and it was Tara on the other side. I don't know what exactly they spoke, but I did hear Chetan tell her it's okay and she shouldn't worry about it. 

When we were back we saw lavender coloured slime spluttered on the wall. It amused us to see everyone in the house all worked up about it. We asked Tara, 'What happened?' 'Why did you throw slime on the wall?' and she blamed her friend. "He asked me to throw slime on the wall" she replied. Her friend responded, "we first did it by mistake and then felt it was fun and so kept throwing it." I could see Tara check my expression. She probably got the message that I wasn't angry or upset and added, "Yes it was lots of fun." I told them that they had to be careful and not spoil the walls and we now had to think about how to repair the damage. 

We didn't have any more discussion until the following day when I checked the wall and tried to scrub off the slime. Some of it peeled off but the rest was stubbornly stuck to the wall. This time, I saw Tara look at the wall with remorse. 'I am sorry. Maybe we could cover it with something - stickers maybe." said she.

I am sharing this example here because similar damages happen all the time. It could be breaking something in the house, or spilling water all over the room or spilling food, soiling the floor with muddy legs...Parents often deal with such situations by bringing in strict rules or grounding the child or denying them something. We forget that it is natural for such things to happen. They do cause some inconvenience for the parent and probably adds up a task of cleaning up or repairing the damage - but they are definitely not the end of life.

We need to remember that,  'A small damage on the wall can result in a long lasting damage on the mind of a child. You could repaint the wall, but how do you repaint your child's mind?' 

When my oldest son was about the age of my daughter (6 years old) he was  constantly told to not write on the walls as it would spoil them. I would immediately try rubbing off any crayon or pencil line that found its way on the wall by mistake. I would blame him for adding more work on my already overflowing plate of work and would bar him from doing things he liked. On seeing the slime spluttered wall, his past memories came alive and made him agitated about it. His experience taught him that drawing on the wall was a crime. His anxiety led him to make Tara own up to her mistake. In fact I can imagine that he would have used the very same words I had used when he made such mistakes. He felt helpless when his sister shut herself in the bathroom. What he didn't understand that blaming her and telling her that 'mom and dad' would get upset was not helping ease the situation.

Tara responded by shutting herself in the bathroom. She was scared and angry and feeling helpless too and simply wanted to go away from the situation. For both it was an ugly experience.

It took Tara some time...in fact a day to share that she was sorry. She took her time to process everything in her mind and take responsibility for what happened. What I liked was that she was also looking toward moving on and finding solutions to repair the damage. 

But my son, hasn't yet spoken about his reflection. The damage in his mind is going to take a long time to heal. 

I have been reading Susan Stiffelmans, "Parenting with Presence." I so wish I had read it when my oldest was small. I would have avoided so many blunders. 

According to Susan, children are more likely to admit to a mistake when they think of honesty as a positive quality than if they think of dishonesty as something that leads to a bad result. So far I have always questioned my children when they hide something or lie. My tone has been authoritative and my question 'why?' has always made them defensive and fearful of a bad result. This probably played a big role in Tara denying a mistake. I realize that I could be more inquisitive than authoritative and I could replace 'why did you do that?" with a non threatening - 'how did that happen?' 

One thing I learnt earlier on is to never force a child to say sorry especially as soon as I notice their mistake or their mistake has been brought to my notice. My children feel at ease about this and say 'sorry' only when they mean it. According to Susan, "We must gently help our children be exposed to the injured heart of another so they can consider the impact of their unkind behaviour." To add to this, I believe we need to trust our child and believe that they would not harm anyone intentionally. Their unkind behaviour definitely has a reasoning behind it. When I say this, I in no way justify that behaviour, I simply ask parents to separate the child and the behaviour. The behaviour has to change and the hurt or the pain that is the cause of that behaviour has to be dealt with. 

Tara took her time to say sorry and said it when she meant it. She did fear my reaction and when her older brother blamed her, she reacted by shutting herself in the bathroom. In no way I justify this behaviour of hers as it resulted in everybody feeling helpless and agitated. Right now I do not have a definite strategy or plan to stop her from behaving this way in the furture. What I know is judging her on this behaviour will not help, nor will it help to infringe a rule to not shut oneself in the bathroom. I do know that once she believes that I will not judge her, blame her or punish her for her mistake and will help her take it in her stride, take responsibility for it and move on, she will stop resorting to such actions.

Parenting: Everyday challenges and an evolving approach

 The word freedom takes an important place in the world of unschooling. Free to learn, freedom to choose, act and behave, freedom from control of adults, freedom from competitions, freedom from constraints from societal norms, religious demands and family expectations are words that we often use while talking about unschooling. 

Last evening, during a Q&A session on 'Unschooling' - a question was raised on 'Freedom'. I don't think I did much justice to the question during the session and later got thinking about it. Here is the question-

"What are your views on Freedom? With the unschooling process and the process of knowing myself, now I am not very constricted in terms of time and needs of my children but I still feel I am not very much aligned with their needs. Is it fear of the consequences or can there be other factors involved?"

Freedom to me is the ability to make choices and decisions about what one wants to do, the way one wants to behave, communicate and relate to others. It is basically having complete control over one's life. It is about taking ownership of one's decisions and choices and willingly taking responsibility for its effects. 

Parents do understand this intellectually, but often fail when it comes to practice. I have struggled with this too. Through the account below - I share my learning and my evolving approach.

 A child decides that he wants to skip lunch and continue playing a video game he is engrossed in. The child probably is completely focused on the game and doesn't want a distraction. The child weighs his hunger and his engagement in the quest and makes a decision that food can wait. 

The parent expects the child to eat at the scheduled time and starts making assumptions: 

1. My child is hungry and needs to eat.

2. This is not good for their health.

3. My child doesn't understand the importance of eating

4. My child will fall sick

5. This is not a good habit

6. Too much gaming and screen time is not good for children.

7. Their eyes will get damaged.

8. So much food is left over and will get wasted and so I will have to eat the leftovers.

9. My child doesn't want to listen to me or listen to common sense.

10. My child is too small to know what is good for him / her.

11. It is my duty as a parent to teach my child what is right and wrong...what is good or bad.

12. Thus I have to make my child listen to me and obey me.

Through such a self talk, the parent justifies that it is their right to expect their child to obey them. In doing so they compromise on the right to freedom of the child. They use various means to get their children to comply - tell them or order them, or even worse use their power and threaten or punish the child or try to lure them through bribes and rewards. Most children comply - not because they want to, but in apprehension of a threat or a punishment. Another reason for compliance is an expectation of a reward or something in return. Some children do comply as they want to please their parents and make them happy. In all such scenarios the child isn't complying to satisfy their need to eat or because they reason out the need to eat together as a family, but in fear or in expectation of something external. 

                                       

The parent in this justification take control over their child and their right to decide for themselves - i.e their freedom. In the process, they not only deny them freedom, but also mistrust their children.

What if the conversation with the child was different. What if it went this way:

The mother goes to her child and engages in a conversation

O wow - you have really progressed in this game. Which level are you at?

Child while continuing to play - "I am at level 8...and will complete it in a matter of few minutes."

Mother - "Lunch is almost ready. I am hoping to have lunch together as I have to go out for a meeting."

Child - "I hope to finish by the time you set the table."

Mother sets the table and the child isn't willing to let go of his game.

Mother - "I see you failed the level and have started it again."

Child - "Yes ma, I got killed and lost all my lives. I so want to finish it before I eat."

Mother - "Oh dear, I have to go out soon. Would you clear the table after eating? Do put everything back in the kitchen. I will clear the kitchen and wash the dishes after I come back. Hope that's fine with you?"

Child - "Sure mom"

What do you experience when you read this conversation. The mother is engaged with her child. She starts the conversation by engaging in what the child is doing. That way she enters her child's world and is comfortable with her child's quest. She aligns herself to the needs of her child. At the same time she is aware of her needs too. Instead of being authoritative and controlling. She comes up with a solution that is a win win for both, the child feels free and secure and the mom feels content and happy. 

It might so happen that when the mother returns, she finds uncovered leftover food yet on the table. A dirty plate lying on the floor next to the child's computer table and her child yet playing the same game. The mother then loses her cool and lashes out at her child for being irresponsible and careless. In her anger, she orders her son to shut his game and disconnects the internet connection. She bars him from playing any games. Her son sulks and is angry too for his mother has denied him something he loves the most. He either rebels and plays on the sly or just wallows in feelings of self pity and hatred for the parent or simply complies in fear of his parent's reaction. 

Or it could also happen that the mother feels helpless and doesn't want any more bad blood between them and gives up. She silently cleans up everything while feeling dejected and let down on the inside. She bottles up her feelings until a day when she cannot hold her emotions anymore and has a melt down. The meltdown makes her son feel guilty and helpless.

I have been in this situation and have learnt that this behaviour doesn't help. All it does is create a lose lose situation where both the mom and the child lose. The mom loses as she feels guilty and blames herself for being a bad mom. She starts feeling she isn't doing enough to teach her child the values of responsibility, respect, obedience, caring...Her guilt and self blames makes her stricter and stricter and her relationship with her child falls to a new low, every time she uses force and compulsion.

In my family too, such scenes were common. I often nagged and labeled my children and used any tool to get them to comply. Every time they disobeyed was a big blow to my ego and feelings of guilt ensured a new low. Things changed only when I stopped taking my child's actions personally. I told myself that I cannot judge myself on the basis of my child's actions. If my child does not display acceptable or expected behavior - doesn't mean that I am a bad mom and I haven't taught my child values. 

What has also helped me is to accept that my children are in charge of themselves and I am in charge of the family. Thus once my child commits to something and doesn't do it - the job isn't mine to teach him a lesson. My job is to stand up as a team member and support my child to finish the responsibility he has undertaken. Thus now when I come back to an untidy dining table and soiled plate - I greet my child and say..."oh dear someones forgotten to clean the table and pick up one's plate. Let's take a pause and do it immediately." 

My children do negotiate 'immediately bit' and I usually ask - how much time till your level gets over. I sit with my children and engage myself with their game till the level is complete and then remind them gently and sometimes jokingly to take a pause. In my experience - they usually comply and get their job done. However, if I tell them and recede into my world - I need to remind them again and again and I don't see the job being done. 

When deeply engrossed in something, even I forget certain tasks such as turning the gas off when the milk is boiling or keep the trash out. I even forget to drink my tea. Thus if I can forget, so can my children. This is plain forgetfulness and not a mark on one's character or value set. Thus labeling them as careless or irresponsible doesn't help. Nor does it help to get angry or helpless about it.

Children like it when their parents take interest in their lives and spending a few minutes watching them play and engaging in light humored conversation restores their belief that their parents are genuinely interested in their life.

I have also learnt that the connection between a parent and the child has to be two ways and hence I often share about my day with them. It is important that my child sees me as an individual and not just a parent. Thus involving them in my life, my decisions, choices and challenges makes them feel that they are part of my world. They feel valued as contributors and not as mere recipients of everything their parents provide. 

It is never too late to change. It does take some time for the connection to be re-established especially when the child has gone through reprimanding behaviour of their parent for a long time or have been expecting something in return all the time. As a parent, I have had to be patient and have had to remind myself that my children can simply forget to complete a task. They do not have any negative intentions and I need to resist my urge to label and make value judgments. 

                                      

On learning, online sessions and self directedness...

Last Year i.e the year 2019, I had consciously stayed away from various social media platforms. I was concerned about the amount of time I spent on Facebook, Whatsapp and Instagram. The year 2020, saw me become super active once again courtesy: Lockdown. Motivated by the response I received by way of comments on my Facebook posts, I started a blog - thegreatkapok.blogspot.com. Somewhere in April, I also started doodling and then progressed to dotting. I started my own page https://www.facebook.com/theartistswithin/. My intention to start the group was simple - to share my creations with the world. I also became part of many dotting groups to help me learn and enhance my skill further.

I gave a few online sessions on 'our unschooling journey' and became an admin of  a Facebook group called 'Homeschooling India'. I also attended a few sessions on unschooling as a co-host or a participant, but gradually weaned myself away. Not that I didn't enjoy these sessions and its not that I didn't learn from these forums. It's just that they would tire me out completely. It would take me sometime to switch from the virtual session mode to the real world. My eyes needed adjustment, my posture, my body needed to get back to a mode of real movement. My brain needed some time to realign itself to other stimuli. It was hard. I understood that I was spending a lot of time sitting in one position, looking at one screen while writing my blog, during online sessions and a whole lot of time checking my WhatsApp and Facebook notifications. 

My children have been on their gadgets too for long hours. Infact they stay awake for most parts of the night and wake up post noon almost everyday. They are much younger than me. They take their breaks from their screens while making food or when they are engaged in household chores. Siddhu goes for a run early morning and Aditya takes little breaks every now and then. There are days when Tara prefers playing outside or with her toys and there are days when she is glued to her Ipad. 

We all are engaged with our gadgets by choice and have complete control over what we use it for. There is no adult telling my children what sessions to attend or what games to play or whom to interact with. This is what makes us different from most others. 

I see children in my neighborhood engaged in online schooling. When asked about his experience, a child trying to sound very important said, "We have to get ready and attend school on our laptop." My cousin who is a teacher at a reputed school in Pune shared, "Online schooling is a torture for both students and the teachers. We are getting our salaries and hence we are doing it." Another friend shared, "Its keeping my children occupied".  These parents keep their children conveniently occupied by enrolling them for more online activities post online schooling  or online homeschooling hours. Tara too attended a trial online session through a school. She said that she didn't like looking at the laptop all the time...and most often forgot to listen to what was being said. Tara could express clearly what she experienced, I wonder whether other children do express and if they do are they really heard?

I wonder what is the impact of online schooling on children. How is it like to wake up in the morning and wear school uniform (usually only the school shirt and sit in front of either a laptop, tab or a smart phone and log into a classroom app? Has anyone asked children? 

To add to this, I also see people who passionately believed in Self Directed Learning - commodifying knowledge and once again offering it to the masses that access social media platforms. What I observe is a new meaning being assigned to self-directed learning. Maybe it could be differentiated from the actual self directed learning by naming it differently - it is 'choice based sessions' - where individuals choose sessions from an umbrella of sessions being offered on one platform or as one event. 

So far I understood Self-Directed Learning as a path chosen by an individual to follow their passion and interests. To give an example - a child who is interested in mechanics follows this interest and works towards creating different machines. This is his learning path, designed and directed by him and only him. However now self - directed learning is taking a different meaning. According to this new understanding - Children have choices and a right to choose. However these choices have boundaries (i.e have to select from what is being offered) and children have no right to decide how they want to learn. Events are being created. Parents have access to these events. They enroll their children for it and pay high fees for the same. the Fear of missing out (FOMO) and the guilt of spending so much money pushes the parent to force their children to select a session. Some parents do take their children's consent. This consent is also a myth as the child feels forced to consent. Some children give their consent as they feel obliged to do so, some do so as they have been tamed to believe that only things that are taught bring in learning. Very few opt for these sessions because they feel these sessions will help them pursue their interest. 

Once children are online - they have to choose from a list of sessions being offered. Most often the parent monitors these choices. The parent believes that not opting for a session means a waste of the money they have paid. Then the child enters a session which is being taught by an adult. The content too is pre-planned and hence not choice based. 

I have been having questions about games too. I thoroughly enjoy games and love playing them by the rules. However I cannot term these as self directed learning as everything is in control of the facilitator. Children are not creating their own games or playing different games by making their own rules. They are simply following someone. 

Productification and commodification of knowledge has been going on since a few decades. Now the products are being transformed into online products. This transformation yet doesn't address the core issues of learning  - 'Control' - as yet the control over the design, content and implementation is yet with the adult. The child is in no way creating their own learning journey.  

Two years ago, I experimented with running a learning center. I used to organize many workshops for adults and children. I observed that parents often decided for their children. There was either a fear of missing out or a need to expose their children to anything new. There were many a times that the children would move out of the sessions and prefer playing outside or with my cats or my dog. I would never have the heart to force these children and always rejoiced in the wee bit of freedom they experienced in unsupervised play.

At the beginning of the COVID crisis in India. I felt that online sessions were doing wonders. It was my children who showed me a different view. On one hand I saw them willingly engage in discussions on learning with their friends on a virtual platform and on the other hand - everytime I requested them to participate in a forum - they would say no. On having a conversation with them they both clearly told me - we don't like it when other adults plan things for us. While my older son loves character sketching - he didn't want to be part of any session being offered. He told me that I can learn by myself by watching videos and practicing. My daughter too steered away from any zoom meetings and sessions. 

When I saw it from their eyes, when I truly put myself in their shoes and when I opened my eyes to their world, everything that they said made sense and I refrained from forcing them. I do send them event notifications on their phone. So far they have decided against being part of such online sessions and somewhere deep down I am glad. I am happy that they are not coming under the pressure of adults or their fears. They know what they want and are so aligned with their inner self.

Online learning Pic that went Viral.

 

No fixed plans, no fixed curriculum and yet Tara Learns!

                                        

It's been a while since my last post. Tara's friend Aadya is back and Tara doesn't need much of my time. The two are together almost through out the day. It's been raining too and rains bring in so many things to observe and experience.

Tara and Aadya have engaged themselves in watching plants sprout, observing trees, little creatures - bugs, insects, snails, slugs, earthworms all around them. They have attempted to make 'pets' out of these creatures by putting them into boxes and trying to feed them leaves, grass etc. I have been a silent observer, watching their excitement and fun. They have followed some of these creatures to check out where they go. Our cats too have added to their curiosity about insects and other small creatures and every time a cat brought in a creature, Tara, her brothers and her dad have worked together to rescue and release them in the place where they belong. At present her curiosity is limited to finding out what they eat and where they sleep. The other day, she made a video pretending to be one of the you-tubers she follows.

She has been asking questions too - not many about insects - but mainly about rain and about corona virus. She has displayed curiosity to know more about the solar system and volcanoes. I can see that her world is becoming larger and she is now prepared to let other things beyond her usual vision enter her world.

A few days ago, she came to me and asked, "Where does rain come from?" She had already watched a few videos and expressed that she didn't understand everything. Water goes up in the air because of the Sun and then clouds are formed said she. What she couldn't make sense was about how the water goes up in the sky as she hadn't seen water go up and has only seen it fall down. I watched the videos she had already seen along with her and then decided to do an experiment. We boiled a bowl of water and put a lid on it. After a few minutes, I took the lid off. We saw steam emerging out. I explained that the steam was also water in a different form. We then checked the lid and saw water droplets on it. She immediately said, "oh so the steam settled on the lid and became water again." and then added - "The Sun heats the water from the top, you heated it from below." She was happy with what she learnt. I know that she has a lot to process and make sense of and once she does so - she will have many more questions. 

I couldn't help thinking about my childhood days and asking myself - was I ever so curious? I recollected how I would get confused with the big terms of evaporation, precipitation and condensation. I realized that I had never really let myself experience and make sense of things for myself. All I did was try and memorize everything that was taught and also regarded it as the ultimate truth that can never be challenged. Unschooling has taught me to not 'give too much information' than what a child can process and gently guide the child in their process of learning. Thus for now I have to wait patiently for her to come up with her next set of questions about rain.

Last night, while I was working on a doodle mandala, she declared in a loud and firm voice that she was bored. As I had mentioned in my earlier blogs - she feels bored at times and often expects me to drop whatever I have been doing and spend time with her. Depending on various factors, I decide whether to halt and do be with her or to let her dwell in the feeling for sometime. Most often I let her stay with her boredom and most often she comes out of it all be herself. She did... this time too - she spotted her clay and engaged herself in making a figure and transformed it into a beautiful creature. Post that she went around playing with our cats for sometime and came back saying she wanted me to give her math problems. 

  

Usually when she is this specific about what she wants, I oblige. What emerged was an hour of math. We had been doing skip counting for a while now - we do it when she hula hoops, or is counting her toys or jumping and playing around. This time I asked her to circle the numbers she would say aloud if she was skip counting by twos. Then I asked her to do the same with skip counting by 5s. We did some addition and counting in sets of ten and then I just chanced to give her addition sums where the answer for all sums was 7. She immediately noticed this and found it very amusing. She said, "Oh now I get it. Lets do more. You give me a number and I will form various sums that have this number as the answer. 

We looked at various single digit numbers and she gave me the addition sentences. After one sum, she looked at me with a mischievous twinkle and wrote down a subtraction sentence that gave the same answer making me super intrigued and proud that she had figured this out by herself. There was no teaching - she had observed, made sense of it in her mind and associated it with what she already knew. Watching her do so increased my confidence in self learning. Children do have the ability to self learn. Keeping myself away from my urges to 'teach her' was bringing this beautiful learning in her. 

Here are some pictures of what she self learnt last night. If you look at her work, she writes mirror images for some numbers. We do not correct her when she does so. We do not want any obstacle in her learning journey and at this stage it is important that we focus on conceptual understanding. Also my past experience of children who mirror has been that they lose confidence when corrected and often stop learning. Children grow out of this as they grow up especially when we do not overthink their errors and work on correcting them and fixing them.

                                                   

 

 

That's all for now..I will write more about 'How Tara Learns' as I fill up my potli with a lot more experiences and pictures to go with them. Thank you for reading and hope this post helps you as a parent.

 

What kind of 'homeschooling' is for me and my family?

I witness many messages everyday on various homeschooling groups. Everyone is asking the same question - how do we start homeschooling? what curriculum do we follow? How do we start teaching our children? Almost all of these inquiries come from parents who have jumped into 'taking their children out of school' without giving too much thought on the homeschooling approach. The underlying thought in most parents is - we can teach our children at home. Why should we pay fees to the school when they are going to make us do all the work?" And they dive directly into it without even understanding the homeschooling spectrum. 

So here I am touching a bit on it's history and sharing how my understanding evolved through the years.  

History of homeschooling in India can be traced back to the Gurukul system when the child would stay at his Guru's home learning and acquiring skills and knowledge. Some Guru's housed around 10 to 12 children at a time. Learning was not just a study of the scriptures, it also included daily processes of cooking, cleaning, household chores, tending to gardens, livestock, farming etc. During the British Era, many Britishers who resided in India homeschooled their children. They brought in tutors from their homeland to teach their children. Later post independence many expats preferred to homeschool their children until 'international schools' were established. Among Indians we have examples of Dr. Pandita Pamabai, Savitri Phule, Anandi Gopal who were self taught or educated at home as in those days Indian schools did not accept female students. Post independence the popular trend was to enroll children in schools and efforts concentrated on enrolling all children in schools. So children who had never enrolled in schools and those who had dropped out were labeled as 'out of school children' or school drop outs and not as 'homeschooled' children.

It was the year 2001, when I first met a homeschooling family in Goa. Janani and Commander Narayan had two boys aged 10 and 7 at that time. Commander had quit the Navy and had started a fortnightly newspaper called Vasco Watch. I was newly married at that time and my husband drew illustrations for their paper. I remember Janani telling me, "Homeschooling is very different from schooling. You do things differently from the way they are done at school." When Commander and Janani visited us when  we were in Mysore - she shared with me her secret - she said engage with your children, be with them, enter their world and see how learning blossoms (these are not her exact words - they are para phrased by me). Her children are grown up independent individuals today.

Talking to Ruchir about a year ago was an eye opener for me. Ruchir has just announced the arrival of his son and is in his early thirties. He runs a successful Graphic Design Company along with two friends. He has never been to school. He did not follow any text book or curriculum to learn. His childhood was spent in the wilderness - in villages. The village children were his playmates and co-learners. They discovered and learnt by living life freely. For him and his family as I understand - homeschooling was all about learning by being in nature and among people.

I heard the term unschooling for the first time when I saw the poster on a camp for homeschoolers, unschoolers and self directed learners. I didn't understand the term at that time. A couple of months later - Dola's session at LSUC 2017 at Bangalore helped me understand 'unschooling and how it is different from homeschooling. Dola's Facebook group Unschool India, Zakkiya Ismail's blog posts on unschooling and unschooling-as-social-change , Pam Larrichia's blog Living Joyfully and her book, 'What is Unschooling' has brought in more clarity and we as a family felt connected to the philosophy and approach of unschooling. This is what we have been following since we started this journey about three years ago.

I learnt so much by just connecting and spending time with many other families - Vidhi and Manish, Jim and Pashwa, Sumi, Deepali, Natasha, Siddharth and Smriti, Mohit and Bhavana, Seema, Purva, Vaishali and Ashutosh, Pradnya and Sameer, Sanjeevani and Shekhar so many others helped me in this journey. I not only learned from them - they became my friends - my tribe...my community.

Recently, I got to know a homeschooling mom Amruta. Her approach, enthusiasm and excitement about homeschooling and her child reminds me of Janani. She is so involved with her child and his learning and together they have created a world of curiosity, interest, inquisitiveness and learning. Her Facebook page Homeschool diary brings out the essence of creating a learning atmosphere that takes guidance from the child and his curiosity. 

Today I understand the homeschooling spectrum to be very large. One one end of the spectrum is homeschooling as originally understood and on the other end is radical unschooling. 

Homeschooling - The entire spectrum of 'living life without school' is commonly known as 'homeschooling'. While on one end - parents create a 'school at home' where the child has no say in what they are learning on the other end children experience complete freedom in making choices about their life and learning. Families adopt different shades of both the extremes. I prefer to call this school at home - as home based schooling or schooling at home. My friend Siddharth Maskeri calls it - House Schooling. 

Thus in this home based schooling - the parent creates a school atmosphere at home usually without the consent of the child. The parent here plays the role of a parent, administrator, teacher, housekeeper, examiner and assessor of knowledge. Parents buy curriculum or hire tutors to teach and do not let their children be their guide. 

Most parents these days are liberal and do not force learning on children. Some use a curriculum and text books to support them and yet let learning is paced on the basis of the child's interest, curiosity, needs and ability. These parents believe in connection with their children and believe that together they can create a learning environment at home. This is what Amruta and her family follow. This for me is homeschooling.

                                                  

World schooling or Road schooling - Families that have opted for a life of travel and keep travelling to different places are known as world schoolers or road schoolers. For them their travels bring in learning. Some do follow a curriculum but most rely on learning from life, nature, local communities and their current needs. A family from South Africa that I share a special bond with and have hosted a couple of times, followed a life of world schooling for a couple of years, before they headed back to their home country. They majorly followed principles of unschooling while traveling around the world.

Unschooling approach is adopted by parents who believe that their children are individuals who can think, feel, reason and make meaning of the world around them. Unschooling parents believe in the freedom and autonomy of their children and is pro-choice. Children can make their own decisions and own the consequences too. Consequences are not mistakes or triumphs...they are simply results of their actions that teach them many lessons. The parent doesn't consider themselves to be in a position of control or authority. They believe that children are equal partners in their journey. Learning is natural and all children learn naturally. Their children self direct their learning. Unschoolers are not dependent on syllabus or curriculum. They use multiple resources for learning that is directed by the children themselves. They believe that children have a right to consent and their voice is valued.

A few parents do not like the term 'unschooling' and prefer to call themselves life long learners, non schoolers, living without school. Radical unschoolers differentiate themselves from unschoolers too. according to them while in unschooling choice and decision making is limited to learning, the radical ones extend this to their entire life i.e. all life choices.

For new entrants all these terms might get confusing. What we learnt along our journey is to not try to fit into any of these labels. As I said in the beginning, we all need to create our own learning journey based on our personality types, family dynamics, learning approach and our ways of life. A word of caution to everyone - avoid making the choice to opt out of school without understanding the essence of living life without school. Reflect by asking yourselves the questions - why do you want to opt out of school? What are your beliefs about parenting, learning and children? Be open to experiences. Experience what they do to you and your children? How does this impact you all and let your insights guide you. Read more and learn from observing your children...They are your best teachers.

Also do read my posts on :

• tips for new homeschoolers
• Parents I hear you
• What about academic goals?

 

Tara is learning to read and write !

 

I am fascinated by the research work and the efforts of Dr. Peter Gray in the field of self-directed learning and unschooling. I keep myself updated through his articles usually posted on Psychology Today which he shares on his Facebook wall. Yesterday I read, ""Children Teach Themselves to Read" an article authored by him. The article spoke about how children learn to read and write without being taught. It gave many examples and stories to back this claim that goes completely against what language specialists have to say.

Since there were no stories from Indian families, I decided to write down the story of how my daughter is learning to read and write. I have mentioned about her language skills in one of my blog posts on thegreatkapok.blogspot.com and in one of my articles on medium.com.

So my daughter Tara is almost six now i.e. she will be six in October 2020. She has been noticing alphabets and numbers for a long time now. She started expressing her curiosity around alphabets when she noticed car license plates in the parking lot next to which we would take our dog for a walk. She was about 3 years old then. Initially she would point out to the alphabets and ask me to tell her what it was and this continued for a few months until one day when she stopped asking. She was probably bored or this activity no longer interested her. One day she noticed Diwali lights on the balcony of a flat. The string was arranged in a way that looked like the alphabet, 'W'. Look Mamma, "That's a 'W' said she. She started noticing this alphabet everywhere and 'W' became her favorite letter. A few months later, she brought up reading alphabets on license plates once more, just that now she wanted me to ask her to identify the alphabets and bingo - I realized that she knew many of the alphabets. 

Along side, she was interested in writing her name. She used to ask me or her brothers to write it over and over again. I think she was about four years old then. However she hadn't ever tried writing her name as yet. A friend asked her to write her name on a drawing she had just made. I was about to tell this friend that she didn't know how to write when Tara took her pencil and wrote her name down. Of course the spelling wasn't correct, but she got the first and the last alphabet correct. This is what she wrote:

I was overjoyed and struck with awe. At that time we didn't correct her spelling. We simply expressed our joy and our pride. Soon she had figured out how to write her name and was writing it everywhere.

Tara has never had the patience to sit with me to read a book. However, she has been reading many picture books with the 'read to me option' on her iPad. Probably that is where she learnt to recognize the alphabets she hadn't come across while reading car license plates. Or maybe she learnt them through the nursery rhymes or could be from her friend who went to school. a phonics App she downloaded on her iPad definitely helped her.

One day, she downloaded a phonics app on her iPad. This app started with recognition of alphabets (lower and upper case) and the sounds it made. She didn't take much interest in the sounds, but loved the alphabet tracing activity. As she learnt to recognize alphabets, we all started to dictate spellings of words, she wanted to type in to search videos, games, images or books on her ipad. Slowly she started remembering spellings and recognizing words by sight memory.

Tara also loves to make lists. Initially, her lists would have pictures she would draw and now they have words accompanying them. Most often she asks us to dictate and she writes them down. She does remember spellings of a few words she regularly uses.

Does she understand the sounds that alphabets make? She doesn't understand the sound made by all the alphabets - she has figured out some through the phonics app. But doesn't yet know them all. She yet hasn't figured out the role of vowels...in fact she doesn't know what vowels are.

All her friends in the neighborhood go to school and she wants to go too. As unschoolers, we believe that experiencing whatever she is curious about is her right and after the COVID crisis ends, we will enroll her in a school. She is super excited about that and often comes with a notebook and pencil and says that she wants to do similar work that she has seen her friends do at school. She has thus begun asking for repetitive writing of alphabets and numbers and much to our pleasure writes them once or twice and then says, 'I don't understand why schools make you write over and over again.' and turns her attention to other things.

At present, she knows spellings of words she needs - mama, papa, cat, ant, dog being among the first words she has learnt. She often interchanges the D and G in Dog. She recognizes her birth month - 'October' and words she regularly uses on her iPad. We are absolutely happy and content seeing her learn on her own without a teacher telling her. We are also looking forward to seeing her journey unfold and I am going to regularly document her growth and learning.

 

Parents - I hear you... Online schooling - new experiences - new questions ! All this is normal !

Since the onset of the COVID situation, I have been asking deeper questions around social change and learning, schooling, online learning, socio - political influences on life choices and meaning of freedom to live. I am deeply hurt to see parents attempting quick fixes to their current situation of having children at home 24 / 7. Parents who were averse to screen time are now willingly letting their children spend hours in front of screens in the name on 'online schooling'. Parents who felt schools were non negotiable are considering homeschooling only because they do not want to spend money on school fees as the entire burden of getting school work done has been thrown in their kitty. What messages are the children getting here?  

I am deeply pained to see that for some of the parents the 'CHILD' is nowhere in the picture. Not many are concerned about what the children want...how do they feel and how has the lockdown affected them. I reason this out by thinking that first and foremost, it is important for parents to delve deeper into what this new system is doing to them - how the unfolding of this system is bringing challenges and triumphs and in what way does this impact them. A few homemaker moms who I have spoken to several times, shared that atleast now they have something to do with their children. Get them ready, sit for sessions, ensure they complete their homework and prepare for tests. Online school keeps them busy. 

I wont say that the parents aren't concerned about their children. What I have come to reason out is that parents are feeling lost. They are witnessing the breakdown of a system they felt was non-negotiable - a must in the life of their child. They are facing an additional burden of waking their children up and getting ready for school - wearing uniform and all to sit across a screen subject to zoom lessons. 

A parent I spoke to revealed that she no longer wants her child to go through this as she has become a 'devil' in the life of her child. "I am always scolding and shouting at my child for getting distracted, for walking away from the computer, for not participating, for wanting to play online games during a school session." I think it would be better if I homeschool him and take him out of school as these online classes don't work for me." It is tough when there are two or more children in the family and resources have to be shared. "We seem to have no choice, but to buy separate devices for our children." shared a mom with two children. And in these tough times when businesses are collapsing and people are facing unemployment risks a fairly large additional expense it definitely not welcome.

Some teachers make it fun and worthwhile, while some teachers are struggling with technology and / or their own household challenges. A friend who is a teacher at a Delhi school shared, "I am taking classes from 8:00 am to 1:00 pm and then have to spend the entire afternoon preparing for my classes on the following day, checking their homework assignments." Since she is not used to online teaching, she spends a lot more time than others who are tech savy. "I am learning and getting used to this new routine, however I am so stressed out - I have to work and also ensure that my children are online and then I have all the housework and the cooking too."

Parents who call me to 'know more about Homeschooling' reveal that they are considering homeschooling only for this year. Their biggest fear is whether schools will take them back next year. They also want tips on how to teach their children, prepare schedules and buy resources and curriculums so that their children don't lag behind. When I tell them that homeschooling is different from regular schooling and one cannot expect to create a school at home - they seem unconvinced. So I simply share what has worked for us as a family and urge them to take things a bit slow and observe the rhythm that's emerging in their household. I tell them that if you see everyone happy and having fun - then whatever choices you have made are working out for you. However if not - i.e if you seem to be having a hard time and are always stressed out, your relationship with your child and other family members is deteriorating and your child seems to be unhappy, disinterested or is throwing tantrums or meltdowns - you need to start relooking at your situation and try something new. I also assure them that I am here and they can call me anytime to explore new ways of learning and parenting. 

Life is a journey and experience is the best teacher after all!

I feel so bad for parents. They are trying so hard to hold on to a system that is failing. They are not willing to see beyond and believe that there are other ways of doing things. Some parents are strong and resilient and are using humor to get past this circumstance. Some are also looking for other options. Some parents have adjusted to the new routine and rhythm and openly display the online schooling achievements of their children. I am happy for such parents. 

So those parents who are struggling and need some support do go through my article on tips on homeschooling...which at times I would like to rename as tips for new homeschoolers and online schooling parents. And to end I would like just say that "what counts is what matters." So parents do reflect and think about what is important to you and your family. What is it that counts?

 

More thoughts on Death and Dying !

Yesterday I celebrated the birthday of my son and today is my dad's first death anniversary. In one of my earlier posts on thoughts-around-death-and-dying, I wrote about the questions I had about death and life after death. I also mentioned what I went through when I saw my dad all helpless and cold...tubes covering him all over. 

My dad died due to old age and mainly because his organs started giving away. He wanted to live for a few more years and left this world without achieving all his dreams. He so wanted to see his grandchildren grow, he probably wanted to write a book, spend more time with his daughters and he definitely wanted to travel. Most importantly he wanted to see his ancestral home redeveloped. 

The year before he passed away was a tough one for him as he witnessed the passing away of many of his friends, siblings and cousins. It felt as though there was death of a near and dear one every month. When his nephew around 65 years old passed away, he went very quiet. I think he was shattered then. Somewhere deep down I felt he knew that it was time for him to go. He was scared. He did attempt to speak to me once about it and I think I handled it terribly. 

It is tough for a daughter to see her father dying. It is difficult to have a conversation around death and when my dad attempted to talk to me, I blocked myself from the thought of him dying and told him that everything was going to be fine and he was going nowhere. Instead of just listening to what he wanted to say, I started rambling and talking about all the wonderful things we were going to do together after he recovered and got better. Now I feel this was so wrong of me. I should have just been there with him and his feelings. I should have just listened to all that he had to say. The worst part is that I am never going to know what he so wanted to share with me.

Last year, my dad left this world on 16th June at around 3:30 am. I was at the hospital when he breathed his last. I saw him and held his hand a couple of hours before he died. I peered into his lifeless eyes...looking for hope, I so wanted to feel the warmth in the touch of his hands...but alas, it was time for him to go....

People die every year - some due to health problems, some due to old age, some die in accidents and natural calamities. Some die feeling fulfilled and satisfied with their life and some pass away wanting to live more.We also have people who choose death over life. These people give up on life and the experiences it has to offer. I get worried about such people. To feel that life has nothing more to offer and the best option is to opt out of living and choose death is something huge and says a lot about the ways of our society and its culture.

I have read so many comments and posts on Sushant Singh's suicide and most express sadness and some called him weak. All I felt was overwhelmed and angry at our current social structures and norms. Today in this scenario people feel that they are going to get nothing out of life and death is much better than life. Many young adults aren't able to cope with pressures of our society - pressures of expectations, pressure of not being able to work joyfully for a livelihood, pressures of keeping up an image, pressure of masking one's true self, pressure of being unwanted, rejected, ridiculed and made fun off. How many more suicides are going to wake us up to see that we need to change this system - we need to transform...

And thus was born a mother !

 

 

I was into the fourth year of my marriage and for the past year, I so wanted my life to expand and my family to have a new member. I had been trying to conceive and had undergone treatment for PCODs - and conception. All the injections and pills I was taking were not only making me fat, but also making me depressed and my sole purpose seemed to be to have a baby. I was unemployed and the repeated patterns of waiting every month to miss my period and then finding a red spot signaling the beginning of another month of waiting depressed me even further. My relationship with C was deteriorating as he felt helpless and was himself tired of giving samples every month at the infertility clinic. 

All this went on and on until one day I woke up with a realization that I didn't want to live my life like this and I had to do something about it. I resolved to get my life back. I quit treatment, applied for a job, applied for a course in management, joined a gym, adopted a dog and started living life in the present. Within a few months, I was happy and had moved on. My extra busy routine - early morning gym, day job, evening college and lovely romantic week nights and weekends ensured that I didn't waste anytime thinking of having a baby. I made new friends and was feeling on top of the world.

And one fine day I felt giddy and nauseous. I hadn't even realized that I had missed my period by ten days. A home pregnancy test and a visit to my aunt (a gynecologist) confirmed that I was pregnant. My Aditya was on his way to fulfill my wish to be a mother. 

After a fairly smooth nine months, Aditya came into our life on 15th June. If born 35 minutes later, we would be celebrating his birthday on 16th June. The doctor who delivered him called him the 'precious baby'. His birth brought so much joy in our family- my parents and in-laws and Cs grandmother were the happiest. We faced a small hiccup when I fell sick about six weeks after he was born...probably an infection I got from the worst deluge that Mumbai had faced in the year 2005. 

Aditya has been the most effective teacher in my life. He taught me to be a mother. He has been a major participant in all my trials and errors. Has witnessed my frustrations and triumphs, my love and sadness, my continuous fight with the system for a better learning system. He has seen all my vulnerabilities and has borne the impact of all my mistakes and yet 'I mean the world to him'. And today, he rejoices in my happiness, feels concerned when I am having a bad time and is super patient with me. He has struggled with his agency, his identity and his understanding about himself and the world around him. He too has faced tough times - especially when he has had to share me with his siblings, when I pushed him to do things he didn't want to and when I couldn't empathize with him and truly understand everything he was going through. 

He was four years old when we had shifted to Mysore and had enrolled him for kindergarten program with one these preschool chains. Three months of school and I had realized the mistake we had made by enrolling him in a chain school with a highly rigid and overtly standardized curriculum. I remember defending him during a meeting when the teachers complained that he had all his alphabet formations wrong and always disturbed the class by walking around in between sessions and not wanting to do what the teacher had planned. I had then learnt that he needed customized learning.

 

 

  

His next stint was at a international school and later in a new initiative started by a friend. He was the youngest in class and yet was way ahead of what his classmates were learning. He was skinny and frail and soon his heftier classmates started using their size to bully him and play pranks on him. For a long time, I didn't understand and always blamed my little boy for letting his classmates get to him. I had also joined his school as a teacher and often took the side of his classmates - in the fear of seeming partial - one of the biggest errors in my life.

As he grew older, I shifted to Bangalore along with my two boys and pets as I wanted to learn and educate myself on 'learning and education' and joined a program at Azim Premji University and enrolled both my children at a chain school. This decision was based on convenience more than my children's needs. However, we were lucky as both my boys had really sensitive and caring class teachers. Aditya did well in academics and slowly gained confidence in extra curricular activities too. Being a bright child, his teachers pushed him into various competitions including Olympiads. I was also taken by these exams. Looking back, I feel, it was me who found the Olympiads interesting and I took it for granted that my son would love them too. However, he didn't care. He did like solving practice questions, but wasn't happy about the exams especially when the examination center was an unknown space. Now when I reflect back - I realize that he didn't feel the need to demonstrate his intelligence. It was my need to see him achieve and get rewarded - this was my second biggest mistake.

My boys attended this school for only one academic year. C got transferred to Pune and I got pregnant with my third and we both took a decision to shift to Pune. The third pregnancy was a tough one. C too had received a raw hand at work and was constantly on tours or working late hours and once again my convenience took precedence and we enrolled the boys at the Pune branch of this school. The boys spent two years there - Aditya completed grade 4 and 5 while Siddhu completed grade 1 and 2. Both did well academically, had friends, had lots of fun with them and we lived in a lovely garden flat. While my new baby (Tara) took most of my time, Aditya struggled to keep his connection with me intact. He did have his moments of fights with other children and difficulty with expression of anger. My third biggest mistake was to justify why I couldn't spend more time with him and expect him to understand. 

As I slowly recovered from the stress of having a third baby and all the postpartum depression and the emotional chaos in me - I started finding my hold over my life - I started day care for my baby for a couple of hours everyday - just so that I could get some me time, I started exercising and planning for my career. At this time we found a new initiative that promised 'joyful learning' and self directed learning. Aditya immediately wanted to be part of this initiative. I experimented and failed at teaching at a regular mainstream school and as a family we felt that this new initiative was a good choice. 

The following two years were a lot of fun at this initiative. I joined them as a part time facilitator and we all were in a happy space. However as the initiative became popular - it changed to accommodate the needs and fears of many parents and brought in a curriculum and became more like a school. As it changed more and more into a school like system - Aditya started having problems. He lost interest in academics - got bored and wanted his freedom. He also started keeping to himself and spent most of his time in his room and I felt a loss of connection with him and became very anxious about his well-being. At the same time I was finding it difficult to adjust to using textbooks to facilitate learning and to constantly monitor children on the standardized learning outcomes. 

Our life took a 360 degree turn when we came across a poster announcing a camp for unschooler, homeschoolers and self directed learners. Aditya attended the camp as a self directed learner along with his friend and our journey into unschooling began. We all took our time to understand and completely surrender ourselves to the new found path. We initially experimented with starting a learning center, only to learn that the learning center and its demands were actually taking me away from what my children wanted and their need to just be and heal from everything that a controlled environment had done to them so far. We soon closed down our experiment and decided to give ourselves completely to the freedom and autonomy of our children, see them as alive individuals and not mere beings who had to be told and molded into the system.

 

 

Its been three years into this journey and never once has it occurred to us to go back to our earlier life choices. Today Aditya is 15 years old. He has grown to be a mature individual who loves his own company and space. He treasures his privacy. He is loving and caring toward his siblings and is now giving some thought to his future in the sense he is thinking about what would he like to do when he grows up. He enjoys cooking and he loves digital character sketching. He games for fun. He does have his moments when anger takes over and is learning to use safer ways of expressing his frustration. 

He usually doesn't like having his pictures taken and today he willingly posed and happily gave me permission to post a picture of him and me on Facebook. He stayed awake the entire night as he knew we were planning a surprise for him and had a big smile when he saw his surprise - a drums theme cake and his favourite sushi and momos. 

I look back at all those 15 years and recall so many fun and lively moments with him - his obsessions with his learning, his curiosity and the way he never gave up until he felt satisfied with whatever he was engrossed in at the time. It was such a joy watching him spend time with snails, draw spiderman faces over a hundred time, make me read certain books over and over again and watch reruns of movies such as Lion King, Cars, Dolphin Tales, Spiderman. His interest in volcanoes, dinosaurs, snakes, wildlife, beyblades was unbound and kept him occupied for hours and days together. 

It has taken sometime for both of us to recover from the damage of our earlier notions about parenting and all my earlier mistakes. And today on his 15th birthday, I feel super proud and completely in love with my boy. I wish him all the strength and patience and love to experience things as they occur in his life and I wish that he emerges through all his life experiences as a happy and satisfied individual. 

This is the boy who taught me to be a mother !