The Gulmohar's Message!

I have happy childhood memories of the beautiful Gulmohar tree. The tree that flowers during a month when the heat becomes unbearable. It's flowers remind you that good things can happen even when you feel low and dejected with life. A look at the tree in its full bloom is enough to energize you and restore the spirit of being and experiencing everything that life has to offer you.

I remember how my best friend and I would spend our summer vacations collecting the mesmerizing Gulmohars. Its bright red colour along with a hint of orange and yellow spread its radiance far and wide. We would savour the petals and its sweet yet tangy taste and play a game with the stamen...yellow coloured cumin seed like part of the flower. The flower with four identical bright red petals and one orangish yellow and white petal with red spots was highly fascinating often making me wonder - why was it made like that? Why did the creator just change one petal? 

The tree in full bloom was a signal to the impending rains that would bring a welcome relief from the scorching heat of the summer. I would always imagine the flamboyant red colour to be telling the clouds that they had arrived at their destination and that this was the place they had to shower. 

Thus this evening when I went out for a walk with C and Mishti, I felt so happy to see Gulmohar flowers fallen in many places on our path and I couldn't help myself pick the beautiful flowers. With excitement I brought them home and showed them to my children. Tara immediately put them in one of her toy vases and said that she was going to look after them. Even C couldn't keep himself away from them and got immersed in painting them on his sketch pad. 

The flowers changed my mood. I had completed a dot art in the afternoon and have been listening to Micheal Neil's - Inside Out Revolution and have been in a state of introspection about my values and beliefs. I have also been binge watching a series called 'Parenthood' and while doing so I had this intense feeling of restlessness come over me. It's been a while since I felt this feeling and I thought that 'impatience' was setting in. I so want some change from our lockdown rhythm. I so want my freedom to move freely and make decisions based on my wishes and desires and not based on 'fears'. It felt as though the flowers brought in a message - a message to keep my patience alive as change was just round the corner. 

To note: Gulmohar painting done by C Govande

Book Review: Educated - a memoir by Tara Westover

  

Never before a book has evoked so many emotions, so many thoughts and so much learning. I have always believed that certain things happen to me at the right time. At this moment, as I experience and share about our 'life without school' on various platforms and I attend to many calls - providing support to those who are considering 'opting out of school', this book has come as a reminder - that life can be complex for many, relationships can be complex and emotions can be complex too. The book reminds me to value this very complexity in my life and untangle my emotions and bring in more simplicity in my relationship with my spouse, children, my mom, my extended family and friends. 

At one point when I was reading I thought, "Life without school, isn't for everybody" and I felt that Tara Westover would have been better off at school than in the company of eccentric and abusive family members. I wondered why Tara bore all the wrath meted to her by her fathers authoritarianism and why did she yet want to keep connected to her mother who backed out and sided her father. More so I wondered why she didn't report the her abusive brother to the police and kept forgiving him each time he apologized. After a lot of thought I came up with this explanation - when your family is everything to you, you tend to forgive, forget, ignore or turn yourself blind. Your love supersedes the experiences and the trauma of those experiences.   

On another note I thought, "Tara Westover was able to achieve all that she did because of her resilience, her ability to uncomplicate the complex relationship she shared with her family members and most importantly because her mind wasn't cluttered by the expectations and the norms around good and bad, right and wrong usually inflicted in the schooling atmosphere. She did not know about comparison or competition and simply focused on bettering her own levels. She could also put in her thoughts, reasoning and analysis in the papers she wrote without worrying about what her fellow mates had written, bringing in a certain originality in her work which was much appreciated and led to her gaining scholarships to Cambridge and Harvard. These thoughts gave me the much needed confidence in our 'unschooling journey'. 

Also, we as a family haven't experienced anything violent and our journey is based on the belief in natural learning and freedom and autonomy in decision making. Our life is based on mutual respect toward each other devoid of attempts at control. We believe in living joyfully and enjoying our learning journey. This is where my family differs from Tara Westover's family. Her father was an authoritarian. It was his word that mattered. He was also bipolar, had his ups and downs and a scary temper. Her mother was submissive and often let her husband rule over her thoughts, perspectives and decisions. They believed and lived with many gender stereotypes and biases especially about clothing and a woman's role. One of Tara's older brother had a violent strain in him. It was he --- who brought in abuse and violence in their family. 

I admired how Tara grew resilient and strong as she grew. I admired her love for her family - in spite of them treating her badly. I admire her courage to move out of her home and pursue higher education and also challenge her own belief systems. I admire how she transformed and started listening to her own voice. I admire how she never let her past ruin her present (though she does mention a time when she had almost given up her PhD studies and had depression and panic attacks). I admire that she remained true to her love for her family. I admire her for the hope she never let die - the hope that someday her family will be sorted out and will change for the better. I am not yet sure whether she reconciled with her family - maybe not. What I gather is - non reconciling doesn't mean that she stopped loving them. What I received from the book is the 'love' she had for them - the love is evident through out the book. 

She did stop believing every word that her father said - and started believing in herself and her ability to reason and learn about different perspectives. What touched me most was her mental breakdown. I wish she had written more about how she came out of it as I felt those chapters were rushed...or maybe I need to re-listen to them to understand them better. 

This book has also been my first successful attempt at an audio book. So far every audio book I tried put me to sleep. So this time I listened to this book while doing my dot art. I am not sure whether the dot art helped me focus on listening or whether it was gripping story and a well narrated audio that kept me hooked to this book. As I immersed in the story and I imagined myself taking the role of Tara and I went through each of her experiences - happy, joyful, sad, traumatic, numbing, fearful...all of them. I could actually feel what she felt and her need to keep going back to her family. 

I picked up this book as my daughter is named Tara and we unschool her too. The similarity stops at that right now. However I do see streaks of Tara Westover in my daughter - her curiosity, her strength, her focus and willingness to work hard to get what she wants. But my Tara is different - she doesn't take any nonsense from her brothers or any glitches on my part to control her life.

So who is this Tara Westover?

Tara Westover, the author of the book, 'Educated - A memoir' born in the year 1986, in an survivalist Mormon family who lived an isolated life in the mountains of Idaho. The family didn't believe in schooling or using any medical facility. Her father has a scrap yard and her mother is a midwife and a self learnt alternate medicine practitioner. She is a well known healer. Tara has five brothers and one sister. All of them did not attend school. Tara and two of her brothers did opt for mainstream higher education with each earning a PhD in their respective fields. Her second oldest brother, was /is violent and has mood swings which became worse after a head injury. Her sister found academic learning tough and chose to remain closely associated with the family in spite of facing violent attacks of her brother. 

So do I recommend this book to others?

Yes, this is a must read. I am sure every reader, listener will have different takeaways and will have different thoughts about the book. Her book has been criticized by many. I believe that Tara shared her story, from her angle and view-point. Her family members could have different experiences and could have understood certain things differently. Or probably different behaviour was meted to them.

My ending thoughts

This story is from our current era. Tara is about eleven years younger than me. Her oldest sibling probably is of my age. She was at Harvard at around the same time my sister was studying there. Just to know that while I was growing up...there was a family living in an isolated life in the mountains of Idaho, living a life so different from mine is a very intimidating thought. The thought that there are many such Tara's around me - some who grew up or are growing up to be strong and resilient and some who are yet struggling with the impact of their past... makes me feel unsettled. Maybe such are the ways of life...

Lockdown dairy 28: Staying Stuck or opening up to new possibilities - The choice is yours!

We all have choices and life is all about making choices!

My mom who is yet grieving, and wasn't willing to stay alone - as she feared being in her home which was filled with memories of my dad, has been alone in this same very home since end of February. My dad passed away in June 2019 and ever since she had been living with her daughters - initially with my sisters in the US and then with me in Mumbai. January was the first time she spent about two weeks in her house with the company of her cousin and friends for moral support. Late February, was her second stint. She had organized a school friends get together and had many functions to attend. We were to bring her back the day lockdown was declared. She thought - 'this is only till the end of the month' and told us to not worry about her and she was fine and had everything she needed and her friends were there to help. Its been two and a half months and surprisingly she seems to be upbeat, energetic and lively. What has made this possible - her willingness to open her doors to new experiences, trust herself and the universe, her self belief and a surprisingly high confidence - she was going to go through this no matter for however long it lasted. She has been reaching out for help and support from our neighbours, friends and has built new connections. She is happy to have so many people helping her - this is her new found family.

When I heard that few people in my neighbourhood tested positive, my vegetable vendor being hospitalized and the death of a well known shop owner from our locality- multiple emotions took over my sanity. I felt bad for them and at the same time I felt anger - as for the past few days I had seen many cars going in and out of our colony. I felt anxiety creeping in and many questions - what if I get infected? What it C does? - what would then happen to my children, if we have to be hospitalized? 

I saw this post of an acquaintance - She spoke about the conspiracy theory and how the capitalist giants and our governments single point agenda is to instill 'Fear' and keep us in lockdown by propagating the  fear of getting infected. She believes that the only way to fight the virus is by making us strong - build our immunity by eating healthy, exercising daily and being in the outdoors for the much needed Vit D. 

While I agreed with all that she said, I knew that me and my family has been consumed by the processed food industry and have been completely addicted to the so called junk food - Pizzas, burgers and fries. Another fear set in - the acknowledgement of the fact that we do not have particularly healthy habits...and there was not much Vit D in our lives since lockdown and nor were we exercising much. I started imagining the worst. For sometime, I believed that we were all going to succumb to this deadly virus.

I spent two days whiling in all these thoughts. The more I thought, the larger became my fear. I wasn't able to focus on any of my chores and nor did I feel like spending time with my children. As I was getting sucked into the negativity hole - created by me and only me...I saw that I was getting short tempered and was losing patience and my cool. 

A short phone chat with a long time friend changed everything. Not that she counselled me or urged me to see things differently. It just revealed - how much I miss my latest passion -  Dot Art. I had decided to stay away from it for a few days as I was neglecting some other things I wanted to do. I decided to get back to it...At the end of the call, I took some paper and browsed for some ideas. A giraffe drawing caught my eye and I started. As I got immersed in my art, all the colours came alive and as I repaired some of my mistakes, I thought of my mom and realized that 'Everything was in my hands...I can choose to get stressed over something I don't know will take place...something that might happen but hasn't as yet or I can make most of the present moments.

With a big smile, I completed the giraffe and got on to do another - this time it was another owl - I started working on the owl with the image of the surrendered owlet that we rescued and the imagined look on its moms face when she found that her baby was back home. We had reunited the owlet with its family by taking it back to its habitat. My belief in the universe was restored...

I must mention that I started listening to an audiobook - "Educated" by Tara Westover. In this book Tara narrates her story. As a child, she had never been to school and her family lived in the mountains of Idaho. What caught my attention was the ease with which she shared all incidents in her life - whether good or bad. Some of the incidents she shared would have shattered anyone. However, she narrated them as part of her life experiences, she gave facts and shared how she felt - there were no judgements, no blame, no hatred. It is indeed in our hands - to decide what we do with our past experiences. We could remain stuck or we could move on. We could erase the memories or we could simply accept them as they are as paths that we crossed. 

A dialogue from this Marathi movie 'Firebrand' is worth noting here. A friend had quoted it and her post had inspired me to watch the film. I don't remember the exact dialogue...A lawyer had suffered from sexual abuse during her childhood. The trauma of this abuse yet lingered on and affected her present life in spite of the perpetrator being punished by law. She and one of her opponents from a divorce case begin talking and decide to play a game called 'So what?' They go over various challenges they have faced turn by turn and at the end of sharing the other person says - so what? As the game proceeds, the lawyer musters courage and shares, 'I was raped during my childhood.' The response from her opponent is 'So what?' - What follows is a discussion on 'letting the past take control over ones present and missing out on the opportunity to live in the moment. The intention wasn't to ridicule or trivialize her experience. The intention was to help her see that what happened cannot be changed...what can change is how she treats her present...and this would happen only when she rids herself of the guilt and the shame and forgives herself and moves on...

Our past doesn't have to rule over our present...our thoughts about the uncertain future doesn't have to ruin our present. Accept the past...let go... let the future bring hope in your life...live your present...

Unschooling 11: On the pretext of providing an 'exposure'

I signed up Tara for an online music class. I thought, "my daughter loves to sing and has been giving us singing performances at home. She will benefit from a class - especially one where I have a lot of feedback on how lively and fun the class is. She is bored, the lockdown is being hard on her. A fun singing session will do her good." I spoke to her and at that point she agreed. But when it was time for her class, she simply refused to be part of it. "I am not interested, I want to play with my dolls right now", said she.

My immediate reaction was, "You had agreed, I filled the form after asking you - you cannot back out now." Tara saw my anxious face and said, "Okay, I will start from next class - My dolls want me now." 

I clearly saw that she wasn't going to come for the session. I sat down quietly for a few minutes to get over my disappointment and then emailed the class facilitator that Tara wasn't willing to be part of the class. 

I asked myself - what made me promote this singing class and what was it in me that wanted her to attend it? What would happen if she didn't attend the class? Did I consider whether she really wanted to be part of it? Did she say yes in the beginning to just get over with me selling the class to her and so that she could go back to whatever she was doing?

Its been three years since we started unschooling and I realized that some strains of my earlier behavior patterns are yet there. Though now I do not get into convincing and then forcing my children to comply. I yet keep bringing information about various workshops, sessions, books, videos, audios, places to visit and also people they should meet. This is because I am yet dwelling in the belief that I am responsible to provide all the exposure and it is my duty to inform them of what is happening. Somewhere deep down - I probably don't want my children to miss out. Or may be when I see them engaged in some activity - like Tara singing - JOJO Sivas songs - I feel that they have found their passion and I had to do everything to help them get better at it.

I reworded my question on what would happen if she didn't attend the class - to what was this doing to me? Careful introspection and reflection revealed that I was somewhat embarrassed and also feared - how I appeared to the facilitator. I also feared acknowledging to myself that Tara wasn't acknowledging my efforts. All this self talk was boosting my 'ego' by making me play the role of a suffering hero. 

While I was feeding my bruised ego - Tara had already moved on and wanted me to participate in the activity that currently held her focus - her dolls. I saw that she had so easily put this behind her and was moving forward - making most of the present moment. It was me who was whiling in the immediate past.

Unschooling believes that children are natural learners and are able to find their resources to learn. It is us parents who do everything we can to take control and start deciding for our children. This is what was happening to me too. I was attempting to take control and decide how she moves ahead in learning to sing. While she was content on watching and singing JoJo Siva songs. I missed seeing how much this little girl learnt in the process and all by herself. She learnt the lyrics and the tune. She learnt the dance moves and also learnt to improvise as she was aware that her voice and her body was different from her idol. I missed seeing how she put together her costume, shoes and make up. 

Many of us parents - attempt to continue controlling our children on the pretext of  'giving them exposure'. Some children just comply as they do not want to hurt their parents or fear their reactions. And we parents feel a great sense of achievement when our children agree to do what we want. However, is that what our children really want - we wouldn't know unless this is something they ask for. Thus if Tara wanted someone to teach her to sing - she would have asked for a teacher and then would have enthusiastically participated in not only finding a teacher and a class but also in attending and learning from it.

I asked myself - when do I step in? I think the best way for me to step in - is by stepping in for myself and planning things for myself and not intruding in my children's life. I need to keep reminding myself that my children will talk to me if they need help. Instead of planning for activities that will happen in the future - my focus needs to be on engaging in their present. Once I am 100 percent involved in their present, they will feel comfortable sharing their inner thoughts and desires. That's when we will find ways to do things together. Also it is important to believe in self- directed learning. So if one of my children want to bake or do origami or draw - I do not have to jump into finding classes and teachers for them. We could explore and learn by doing things together or I could simply help my child in bringing together the required resources. I need to also refrain getting lured by all that is being organized. In short I have to stop thinking for my child.

So it is time for me - to stop my urge to take control, to decide for my children and believe that they are not missing out on anything if they do not be part of what is being advertised or offered. The JOMO (Joy of missing out) is much better than the FOMO (fear of missing out). For in the joy of missing out - one actually experiences they joy of being in the present...in the here and now and in enjoying what we have.

 

Unschooling 10 : An example of 'how children learn'

Tara came up to me and said I want to tell a story and I want you to write it down. I was just getting ready for a Duo meeting of some of my school friends. I stopped short of saying, 'later dear' as I yet had about five minutes before our scheduled call. 'Let's do it' I said with enthusiasm. She hopped to our room to get me some paper and pencil and was back in a jiffy... eager to begin. 

This little girl has never sat for more than five minutes to read a book with me. Though for the past week she has been listening to 'read aloud' books on an e-library app (get-epic) that I have downloaded on her iPad and at times has made me read the books on Khan kids. However reading has never been on her list of favorites. 

She has always surprised us with use of words - like the other day - she asked me whether the fruit she picked up from the woods near our house was edible. I was like 'edible' you got to be kidding me - how do you know there is a word called edible? She also knew what it meant. She has used words like 'actually', 'research', 'challenge', 'independence', 'accidentally', 'improvement' and many others correctly in the past. Every time she uses a tough word correctly, I am reminded of my oldest son, Aditya - who has an impeccable way with words. Where has she picked up these words? We haven't taught her or given her lessons on words. She doesn't even like reading books with us. She has probably picked them up through her sense of hearing and being part of our conversations. She is full attention when we are chatting at home or anywhere else. She picks up words, processes them in her mind, assigns meaning to them and then uses them when she feels its right to do so. She also hears them while watching videos, playing games on her iPad. She prefers to be by herself while doing so. There is so much going on in her mind while she is engaged with her gadgets and language acquisition is just one of those many things in her mind. 

She yet doesn't know how to write. Actually, I am not totally correct when I say that - she loves to make to-do lists and always asks me to dictate spellings to her. She uses capital letters and does attempt to write the small case at times. However, she is yet figuring out the formations of the small case and often switches back to capital letters.

We don't push her. Nor do we start teaching her assuming that she is interested in learning how to write. We just let her be and rejoice in her learning and achievements. She doesn't even think on the lines of achievements. All this is just part of her life - part of living. Learning language and acquiring new words comes very naturally to children.

Now to get back to the story she dictated...I am reproducing it just the way she dictated - these are her words...

" Once upon a time, there was a cat named Cookie. He had two other friends. Their names were Cupcake - the horse and Nemo - the Owl. They all went to look for food. Cookie found some cat food outside. But everybody cannot eat cat food. It's not good for them. Cupcake found an apple. Nemo found some insects and a rat. They all ate up their food.

They went to find other animals because they were only three and they wanted more friends. They found Jimmy the cow and Sammy the minion. They went to sleep and they found a talking apple. After that they went and they found a dead end. They were surprised that Jimmy was eating worms and a grass salad. After that they all went to sleep. 

When they woke up, they saw that Sammy was eating cabbage and not banana. They all walked and found a dog who was dirty in the woods. They gave him a bath in the lake. The dog felt hungry after bathing. Jimmy found some dog food. Dog ate all the food and went to sleep."

 The End

As I was writing this post, she asked me to untie the string she had tied to one of her plastic cases. The string was all knotted up. I asked her, "why do you need this string?" I heard her say it was her 'lassle of Truth'. When I asked her to tell me more about it she said - 'Lasso is like a rope - a weapon that Wonder Woman uses'. I asked her what does 'truth' mean to her. She gave me an example - "if I tell you I saw a tree and I actually saw it and it is there, I am telling the truth." I was amazed at the clarity with which she explained. Since I hadn't watched Wonder woman - I thought she was saying 'lassle' and was perplexed to see that 'lassle' wasn't a word in any dictionary. So I googled Wonder Woman and found that I was spelling it incorrectly - it was 'lasso' and not 'lassle'. 

She also drew the characters of her story with prompts from her dad. She enjoyed drawing the characters while he read out the story to her and they both chatted about it. It was so much fun to watch them...

 

This is an example of 'natural learning' and 'child led learning'. Learning where the child has complete autonomy.  The child drives what they want to do and gather together the resources needed to do so. 

Unschooling 9 : What about academic goals, degrees and certificates?

Today a school friend whatsapped  me. He viewed the videos of my live sessions with Express Parenting (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) and shared that he resonated with everything I shared. His only worry was about the future and how would unschoolers manage without clearing exams and getting degrees and certificates. He also wanted to know about how unschooled children would get admissions into professional courses. 

Though I answered his questions briefly, I felt I hadn't done much justice and hence here I am writing down my take on all questions around future, certification, admissions into mainstream professional courses and the job scene for unschoolers.

I believe that no one can predict the future and how much ever you plan for your future - you never really know whether that is definitely going to happen. The lockdown and the Covid 19 pandemic has demonstrated this unpredictable nature of future. Having said that, my experience with schooling says that school children are drilled into making their lives organized and planned. They are constantly told to prepare for something that would happen in the future. Attend school, learn your lessons, practice - so that you give exams and do well in them. It is all about competition and better grades. This is true for non academics too - practice for a sports day, practice for a performance, practice to compete. The ones who follow this plan are lauded as being disciplined. Children get trained rather tamed or conditioned to follow routines. The method used to achieve this is through rewards or punishments and  through bribes or threats. Children learn to follow these schedules either in fear of all the threats, punishments, telling down, meanness inflicted on them or in do it as a competition with other children or for rewards, praise and bribes. Many efforts are put in to get them to do what the curriculum demands - this results in them 'learning to think in a certain way' - to ignore what they want to do, follow what is planned for them by someone else and build confidence through competition and comparison.

As the control over 'a child's autonomy' - one of the most important ingredient of growth and learning shifts to somebody else, the child stops using their own mind and feelings to decide what they want. And some children like I was during my childhood - start living a life of eternal confusion as our heart wants us to do something and we are forced to do something else - our confidence and self esteem falls and we get labeled as - border line, average students or slow learners. In short the sense of identity shapes on the basis of something external (behaviour meted out to them by their teachers, parents, classmates and significant others). Some children fight to keep their agency intact and these children become school misfits, they either get into trouble all the time or learn to get things going their way as much as possible by resorting to behaviours such as playing pranks, playing truant, making excuses, copying, lying, bullying, using unfair means to appear as good children. These children get labeled as hyperactive, attention seekers, attention deficit, bullies, class disrupts etc. 

What kind of future can we predict for such children? A future where a child grows into an adult who learns to simply follow orders without thinking of whether this is what they want? A future where one has to resort to therapy, counseling, coaching - as they aren't able to resolve their own challenges? A future something external such as consumerism and capitalism takes over your life and makes you so dependent on 'money' that your goal shifts to earning more and more to be able afford the every increasing 'wants'. If this is what a parent wants for their child - then 'schooling' is the best option.

I must say, I feel happy when I see the school system hackers - the ones who learn to get away from the clutches of the system and exercise their agency...and remain aligned to their heart and mind - for according to my experience these are the ones  who lead a wholesome life. Children who also enjoy academics and organized learning also seem to be happier as academic learning is their interest area. 

Now imagine a life where your child follows their passion and their interest. Their curiosity becomes their guide to learning. They 'learn' because they want to and not because they have to. Imagine a life where a child can get immersed in their area of interest for as long as they want and for not mere 30 - 40 minute periods. Imagine a life where a child's sense of accomplishment comes from what they have learnt and not what reward they received. Imagine a life where a child grows to be an adult who makes decisions keeping his mind and heart aligned. A life where a child is happy and content. A life where the child learns to own their decisions and choices and believes that life is a journey - there are no mistakes or failures - only learnings that help you decide on your next step in life. This is what I aim for my children and I know that this won't happen if someone else is always deciding for them or their decisions are based on fear. 

One might say that I am being very idealistic and and the real world is different. One has to learn to compete and go ahead of the others in order to make it in life. To this, I say, my children are living a real life. They learn from living a real life. They interact with real people every day. Real people in the open world and not amidst closed classroom doors. They learn to be independent and they are making choices everyday. Decisions are not being made by others for them. They learn to excel by defeating themselves - the previous level they were at and move ahead. They do not compare or compete with others. They simply aim at getting better in what they are interested in. 

Secondly, they are internally driven or intrinsically motivated as they do things as they want to and are not looking for any external validation. I do not say that they do not display their skills or knowledge...what I am saying is that external rewards do not play a major role in their motivation. The goal itself is highly motivating. One will find these qualities among some schooled children too - these are those with strong resilience and internal locus of control and aware parents - who nurture them to believe in themselves and rarely use force to make them behave in a certain way.

So what about academic goals - We do not follow any standardized curriculum or syllabus. Children decide on the extent or the depth of any knowledge or skill they aim to learn. There are times when a much younger unschooler has already mastered a concept taught for a higher age group or it could also be that an unschooler is lagging behind a schooled child in certain skills. The belief that a child learns when he feels the need to learn takes precedence over any academic goals. Every child is unique and learns at their own pace - thus standardization does not work. Also with all the technological advancement - we have google for all the facts and figures...what is required is the application of these facts and figures when a real life situation arises. This is possible by living life and being part of varied experiences.

When I say the above lines - I am often asked about degrees and certificates. How would unschooled children manage without these? 

I would like to say that we are not against degrees and certificates. All I say is that my children would go for degrees and certificates if they feel the need for one. Fortunately, there are open boards that allow children who have opted out of the schooling system to give exams. We have NIOS (National Institute of Open Schooling), Maharashtra State Open Board, Cambridge board (IGCSE) offering examinations and certificates. Post these examinations the unschooler is eligible for all required entrance examinations for all professional courses and admissions to any university except the medical profession  A PIL has been filed to allow unschoolers / homeschoolers interested in becoming doctors to be deemed eligible for such courses too. We also have the option to learn alternate healing practices. 

There are many universities that accept unschoolers / homeschoolers in their programs. In India we have an initiative called Swaraj University that has a two year program that uses self directed learning approaches and has been designed for those who want to direct and design their own learning. 

I know of many grown up unschoolers who are well settled in their lives as techies, artists, graphic designers, writers, film makers, chefs, restaurateurs, social entrepreneurs, business entrepreneurs. Thus there definitely is tremendous scope for unschoolers and this scope is growing every year. 

At present, I am happy that my children are living a life where they are in charge. They are learning to take informed decisions based on what they sense around them and on the advice given to them. I am happy that they make most of their present and are in the 'here and now'. 

I do understand that this is difficult for many to digest. I also believe that if our education system starts re-imagining education and learning and gives a serious thought to how children learn - they would put in more efforts to transform the irrelevant system of learning instead of researching and developing more and more strategies to get all children to fit inside one box.

 

Unschooling 8: Open your heart...open your mind to infinite posibilities!

Tara's little table and stool next to mine

A few days ago Tara came up to me and said, "Mama I want to be an artist like you. I like your dot art and your doodles". For the past couple of months, I have been engrossed in my creative endeavors - initially it was 'writing' and now doodling and dot art. I spend long hours and snatch every free moment to add a few lines, curves and dots to my current work in progress. When I am not drawing, I am writing my blog. Tara has been observing me through out, sometimes by standing next to my table and sometimes watching me from a distance. At times, she has asked questions and at times stated that she would also like to draw or write. She has set her table and a small stool right next to my table as she likes being around me. Whenever she wants to draw, she simply shoves her toys away and sets her book, pencils and colouring material and gets on with her activity.

She has never bothered about the mess created by the toys fallen around. She is clear about her objective - sit next to her mama and do something, more importantly chat while doing so. As opposed to her need to make small talk, I have always preferred silence as I often get lost in my own thoughts while working. This is where the conflict arises - my need for silence and her need to chat. 

I prefer the silence to such an extent that I turn into a tiger every time someone disturbs me. I have also made this to be a big issue in the past and I have blamed C and my boys for not letting me have my 'me time'. I have portrayed myself as the suffering hero - the all time sacrificing housewife. At times, I have made it to be such a big issue that everyone in my family tip toes around me when I am at my desk. Everyone fears my reactions and do everything to stay out of my way. I also feel super guilty about this and often become apologetic afterwards and feel miserable for a long long time.

My Tara is yet to give up on me and ensures that she doesn't let me forget about her existence. So far, i.e until two days ago, I found her to be a hindrance and have shooed her away almost every time she attempted to make a connection with me. 

 Two days ago as usual she came up to me and started chatting while I was engrossed in my work. I raised my head and looked blankly at her and she said, "Never mind mama - I know you didn't listen and started walking away." My focus shifted to her immediately and I saw her walking away totally dejected. I felt guilt creeping in and yet this time, I didn't let it ruin things for me. I called out to her and showed her what I was doing. So far I always answered her with reluctance, but this time I answered her with enthusiasm. I wanted her to connect with my work. What followed was a lovely conversation about doing things that we like. Her little mind said, 'Can I draw too? Can you teach me?' Instead of saying 'later dear' I told her to bring paper and pencils. She wanted me to teach her to make doodle mandalas. I guided her in the first mandala which she outlined and the second one was entirely her idea. We spent some time drawing together before something else caught her attention and she went away.

Our work together

 

She came back to me yesterday with a paper and while I was working in the kitchen she drew. This time, I divided my attention between cooking and helping her and during our loving chat, she drew images that came to her mind. The end product brought a big sense of achievement for both of us - for her to be able to imagine and draw and for me to overcome my reluctance to be involved in her attempts at doing something when I was engaged in doing something else. I viewed the situation differently and made things possible for both of us. 

 

Tara's drawing - while I was cooking

As I reflected on this experience I learnt that 

"Once you open your heart and your mind

 

you see infinite possibilities."

 

Our owl story continues...

The owlet that we rescued and then took it back to its habitat was spotted today with another owl. According to a friend - it probably wasn't a baby - maybe a young adult. C saw it perched on the same tree during his usual morning walk with Mishti (our dog) and was pleasantly surprised to see another owl next to it. After his walk his rushed back to the owls habitat - this time armed with his DSLR.

Just yesterday, I had felt a kind of heaviness in my heart when it wasn't to be seen anywhere when we were returning from our morning walk and I hadn't spotted it during our evening walk too. I hoped and prayed for its safety and convinced myself that it was probably somewhere higher up and was camouflaged by the tree.

I was thus super thrilled to see the owl pictures. I felt so touched by the ways of nature. A friend shared on my Facebook post of an Owl doodle, "Amazing. Owls are special. As an animal spirit totem, you are blessed to rescue a baby owl. Xx." It indeed felt special to be part of an owls life.

I so hope to see them both during our evening walk which I am sure to go for...just to see the owl and its partner. I hope they will be there and that they gaze into my eyes...like this one did when it was at home and when I went to meet it the day after we put it back in its habitat...

Unschooling 7 : Are my children eating enough?

Are my children eating enough? This question had always made me anxious...in fact so anxious that at times I thought I had an anxiety issue with regard to the eating habits of my children. This anxiety tripled as I have three children - and food was the last thing on their mind. Though to be honest - this has changed in my oldest - his problem now is that he is always hungry and is looking for food all the time. This need for food has also motivated him to learn cooking and much to my delight he spends a lot of time surfing through recipes.

And to think about it - I can see a transformation in my second son too - while I am writing this piece, he is preparing breakfast for himself - yippee. In the last one month, I have seen him devour fruits and is opening up to vegetables too. He is eating and that too with a lot of joy. For a complete junk foodie - who used to prefer burgers, pizza, chips and coke over anything else is now eating our Indian meal preparations too - and boy ain't I happy...

My daughter who is just five years old causes me some concern as there are days when she exists on air and water. This concern isn't as bad as it used to be some years ago when my boys were yet young probably around the same age as my daughter. 

My anxiety in those days, was mainly triggered by the pressure I put on myself to 'display children' who in the eyes of all those I came across - were well fed, chubby and cute. However my children were in no way all that - they were frail and skinny. They would refuse to eat anything served during the birthday parties they were invited to and would find excuses to not eat their packed tiffin while at school. At home, I would struggle to think of dishes they would like to eat and make them healthy meals. I would use bribes, threats, punishments - whatever came to my mind - to just get them to finish their meal. Even today I choke thinking of the amount of stress I would take on myself.

Why did I take on this stress? It was probably because I felt every one was judging me. Once I heard a remark - 'I think the mama eats up all the baby food.' Another comment, 'your children are so skinny - don't you give them enough to eat. The worst comment of all, 'When you focus on your career - you end up neglecting your children - see how malnourished they look'. As these comments were showered in plenty - my near and dear ones also kept commenting on the size of my children. They never pointed out the bright and happy faces, but were sure to point out their skinniness. Their comments began the minute I brought my babies into this world. And yes, it was all about my breast milk - that it wasn't giving them enough nutrition and I was being mean by not starting them on formula. The one's who passed these comments had chosen the convenience of formula over breast milk during their time and wanted me to do the same. 

My stress increased many folds - as I was never sure of the right answer. I was confused. One article said this and another said that. Some people gave me this advice and others told me the exact opposite. In all that stress and pressure, I became blind to what I sensed and what meaning I made of everything.

 I did not ask myself - what did I want? I did not see - what my children wanted and what was force feeding doing to them? I used to have nightmares - that while all other children grew taller, stronger and did well in studies as well as sports - my children would not grow. They would yet remain tiny.

As a child, many notions about food were drilled into me - eat everything on your plate, do not waste, eat whatever has been cooked, meal timings cannot be missed etc etc. For me food became something that had to be done and over with. So I would approach food with mindlessness, finish everything within five minutes. I never really tasted and enjoyed food. Gradually my body became accustomed to eating anything and everything served. Somewhere I was trying to transfer my learned notions about food on to my children and expected them to approach food the same way I did.

How did all this change? Some part of me believes that as my children grew older i.e neared teenage years - their body started demanding more and they developed taste for all kinds of food and started craving for variety. 

A huge part of me believes that - once I threw away all the food and nutrition books away, stopped reading about food habits among children on the internet, stopped getting all nuts about their eating habits and I stopped nagging them about food, they changed. This happened once I started believing that children are aware of their body and know it when it needs food. They also have the ability to decide what, when and how much to eat. They can also fix something for themselves and do not need me to cook food for them all the time. 

Once I had gotten over my inhibitions and mainly I stopped nagging my children, things started looking up. I started involving them in deciding the menu and stopped forcing them to eat the 'so called healthy' food and my boys started taking active interest in the kitchen, started helping me cut and chop, cook, plate and eat with joy.

I am no longer fixated about what type of food one eats during a particular meal and I am not rigid about following a particular order. It is okay to have breakfast pancakes for lunch or dinner and it is perfectly fine to start your meal with a dessert. It is okay to eat junk and give in to one's craving - if that is what your body needs. We now focus on the experience and our learning from it and we live by 'no rules' in food matters. 

As a friend and an NLP coach says - 'Listen to your body'. It will tell you when you are hungry and what you are hungry for. I realize when children are born - they know when they are hungry - they eat only when they are hungry. We rely on irrelevant research articles on nutrition which tells us what is right and wrong and good and bad about food and don't listen and observe our own children. It is us parents who ruin everything by feeding them at 'standardized timings and quantity'. We end up force feeding them - while some children give in and just eat whatever is put in their plate (they stop thinking about whether this is what they need) and we parents feel a big sense of relief and a bigger sense of achievement. Other children like mine - continue to fight for their agency - fight to say that we want our autonomy and in that process also suffer a bit as they do go hungry and feel unaccepted and unloved too and at times this does have a long lasting impact on their mental health. 

I am happy that I learnt before it was too late. It would have been even more dreadful, had I succeeded in taming my children to just eat what was given on their plate. I am happy that I got cured from this 'food anxiety' and my children have experienced food autonomy - for now they know they are in charge of their body and have the freedom to make choices.  

Lockdown diary 27 : 'Thoughts around rescuing a baby owl and more'

Last morning C brought home an owlet, which was initially mistaken for a baby eagle. Bringing this new being into the house, triggered humongous excitement among everybody as the children woke up one by one to our zest of making it comfortable, keeping our curious cats away and our discovery, 'its a baby eagle - no it looks like an owl'. A huge part of us wanted the children to be involved and present with us in our experience of this beautiful yet vulnerable creation of nature. The little baby, probably scared and tired from the impact of falling down from its nest - simply gave itself to our mercy and probably was just happy to find a place - made all soft and cozy by us to sleep. (Owls are nocturnal you see and need their sleep during day time.)

As we all quietened down...we faced the question that was present all through out our excitement - 'What should we do with it?' especially as we had no clue about how to take care of it. Google came to our rescue with each one of us typing in what should we do with a rescued baby owl? Members of a Whatsapp group that are used to living in the wild were also consulted.

My daughter took on the role of a pet mother and kept pleading to us to keep it. Her innocent mind felt that our home was the safest place for this little thing and we were equipped to look after it. She felt very sad when we told her that we would have to leave it back where we found it...and after many tears and a huge vent out, she cooled down and said she was okay about taking it back and wanted to accompany us when we did so.

Later in the evening, just as advised by google and this Whatsapp group, C took this baby back to the spot he found it. Just as shared on google and much to his relief the little bird started climbing up a tree and was back into its natural habitat.

As I was soaking in this eventful day...many thoughts and questions arose in my mind. Nature has created a circle of life - were we tampering with it - by bringing this owlet home? Should we have just trusted nature to take it's course - maybe the baby would have found it way back to its nest as soon as it recovered from the fall. Or maybe the Owl parents would have found it and taken it to safety. Or it could have become a snake or some predator birds meal, or it could have simply died by the impact of the fall...

As my thoughts wandered around the ways of nature, I saw a message stating that the lockdown has been extended for a few more weeks. The question - should we simply let nature take its course here? Or should we simply abide by the rules laid down by our government and not step out for a extended time period? My thoughts moved on to an article I read about the collapse of our economy and how tough it is going to be for life to get back to normal. I worked my logic around this - would I feel comfortable going out when I knew that I could get infected (my area has many covid positive cases). Would I want to suffer and probably die because of a tiny virus especially when my dreams and aspirations haven't yet been fulfilled? Do I believe that I have a strong immunity to fight the virus in case I got infected? Would I push myself into fire and rely on my fate to take care of me? Or would it be wiser to just be at home...its just a matter of a few more weeks.

It is possible for me to stay at home for a few more weeks. What about the others? The people living with space constraints? People living off charity? People with mental health issues, people with addictions? People feeling insecure about their future? Women and children subject to domestic abuse - both physical and social? Is the government thinking about them? Has our society been brought down to the 'survival of the fittest' kind of situation? Are we in a situation like the character 'Amu' faces in the movie 'Thappad' - are we going to neglect the dignity of many such vulnerable people - and expect them to 'let go' and 'move on' as though no harm was caused to them?

What about the doctors and the policemen - all our frontline workers who are working tirelessly in absolute unbearable circumstances? They are risking their lives everyday in performing their duty. Are they getting a fair deal here?

While I read and listen to stories of our Samaritans working round the clock ensuring that the needy get food and the essential services do not stop - I am yet to read a story of a politician or super rich people leaving the comforts of their home to feed people and make alternate arrangements for them to live. I am yet to see them visit hospitals, take a walk on our streets, visit space crunched areas and witness the dire situation of people who have brought them to power...I am yet to see them turn into Samaritans.