Lockdown dairy 28: Staying Stuck or opening up to new possibilities - The choice is yours!

We all have choices and life is all about making choices!

My mom who is yet grieving, and wasn't willing to stay alone - as she feared being in her home which was filled with memories of my dad, has been alone in this same very home since end of February. My dad passed away in June 2019 and ever since she had been living with her daughters - initially with my sisters in the US and then with me in Mumbai. January was the first time she spent about two weeks in her house with the company of her cousin and friends for moral support. Late February, was her second stint. She had organized a school friends get together and had many functions to attend. We were to bring her back the day lockdown was declared. She thought - 'this is only till the end of the month' and told us to not worry about her and she was fine and had everything she needed and her friends were there to help. Its been two and a half months and surprisingly she seems to be upbeat, energetic and lively. What has made this possible - her willingness to open her doors to new experiences, trust herself and the universe, her self belief and a surprisingly high confidence - she was going to go through this no matter for however long it lasted. She has been reaching out for help and support from our neighbours, friends and has built new connections. She is happy to have so many people helping her - this is her new found family.

When I heard that few people in my neighbourhood tested positive, my vegetable vendor being hospitalized and the death of a well known shop owner from our locality- multiple emotions took over my sanity. I felt bad for them and at the same time I felt anger - as for the past few days I had seen many cars going in and out of our colony. I felt anxiety creeping in and many questions - what if I get infected? What it C does? - what would then happen to my children, if we have to be hospitalized? 

I saw this post of an acquaintance - She spoke about the conspiracy theory and how the capitalist giants and our governments single point agenda is to instill 'Fear' and keep us in lockdown by propagating the  fear of getting infected. She believes that the only way to fight the virus is by making us strong - build our immunity by eating healthy, exercising daily and being in the outdoors for the much needed Vit D. 

While I agreed with all that she said, I knew that me and my family has been consumed by the processed food industry and have been completely addicted to the so called junk food - Pizzas, burgers and fries. Another fear set in - the acknowledgement of the fact that we do not have particularly healthy habits...and there was not much Vit D in our lives since lockdown and nor were we exercising much. I started imagining the worst. For sometime, I believed that we were all going to succumb to this deadly virus.

I spent two days whiling in all these thoughts. The more I thought, the larger became my fear. I wasn't able to focus on any of my chores and nor did I feel like spending time with my children. As I was getting sucked into the negativity hole - created by me and only me...I saw that I was getting short tempered and was losing patience and my cool. 

A short phone chat with a long time friend changed everything. Not that she counselled me or urged me to see things differently. It just revealed - how much I miss my latest passion -  Dot Art. I had decided to stay away from it for a few days as I was neglecting some other things I wanted to do. I decided to get back to it...At the end of the call, I took some paper and browsed for some ideas. A giraffe drawing caught my eye and I started. As I got immersed in my art, all the colours came alive and as I repaired some of my mistakes, I thought of my mom and realized that 'Everything was in my hands...I can choose to get stressed over something I don't know will take place...something that might happen but hasn't as yet or I can make most of the present moments.

With a big smile, I completed the giraffe and got on to do another - this time it was another owl - I started working on the owl with the image of the surrendered owlet that we rescued and the imagined look on its moms face when she found that her baby was back home. We had reunited the owlet with its family by taking it back to its habitat. My belief in the universe was restored...

I must mention that I started listening to an audiobook - "Educated" by Tara Westover. In this book Tara narrates her story. As a child, she had never been to school and her family lived in the mountains of Idaho. What caught my attention was the ease with which she shared all incidents in her life - whether good or bad. Some of the incidents she shared would have shattered anyone. However, she narrated them as part of her life experiences, she gave facts and shared how she felt - there were no judgements, no blame, no hatred. It is indeed in our hands - to decide what we do with our past experiences. We could remain stuck or we could move on. We could erase the memories or we could simply accept them as they are as paths that we crossed. 

A dialogue from this Marathi movie 'Firebrand' is worth noting here. A friend had quoted it and her post had inspired me to watch the film. I don't remember the exact dialogue...A lawyer had suffered from sexual abuse during her childhood. The trauma of this abuse yet lingered on and affected her present life in spite of the perpetrator being punished by law. She and one of her opponents from a divorce case begin talking and decide to play a game called 'So what?' They go over various challenges they have faced turn by turn and at the end of sharing the other person says - so what? As the game proceeds, the lawyer musters courage and shares, 'I was raped during my childhood.' The response from her opponent is 'So what?' - What follows is a discussion on 'letting the past take control over ones present and missing out on the opportunity to live in the moment. The intention wasn't to ridicule or trivialize her experience. The intention was to help her see that what happened cannot be changed...what can change is how she treats her present...and this would happen only when she rids herself of the guilt and the shame and forgives herself and moves on...

Our past doesn't have to rule over our present...our thoughts about the uncertain future doesn't have to ruin our present. Accept the past...let go... let the future bring hope in your life...live your present...