Unschooling 11: On the pretext of providing an 'exposure'

I signed up Tara for an online music class. I thought, "my daughter loves to sing and has been giving us singing performances at home. She will benefit from a class - especially one where I have a lot of feedback on how lively and fun the class is. She is bored, the lockdown is being hard on her. A fun singing session will do her good." I spoke to her and at that point she agreed. But when it was time for her class, she simply refused to be part of it. "I am not interested, I want to play with my dolls right now", said she.

My immediate reaction was, "You had agreed, I filled the form after asking you - you cannot back out now." Tara saw my anxious face and said, "Okay, I will start from next class - My dolls want me now." 

I clearly saw that she wasn't going to come for the session. I sat down quietly for a few minutes to get over my disappointment and then emailed the class facilitator that Tara wasn't willing to be part of the class. 

I asked myself - what made me promote this singing class and what was it in me that wanted her to attend it? What would happen if she didn't attend the class? Did I consider whether she really wanted to be part of it? Did she say yes in the beginning to just get over with me selling the class to her and so that she could go back to whatever she was doing?

Its been three years since we started unschooling and I realized that some strains of my earlier behavior patterns are yet there. Though now I do not get into convincing and then forcing my children to comply. I yet keep bringing information about various workshops, sessions, books, videos, audios, places to visit and also people they should meet. This is because I am yet dwelling in the belief that I am responsible to provide all the exposure and it is my duty to inform them of what is happening. Somewhere deep down - I probably don't want my children to miss out. Or may be when I see them engaged in some activity - like Tara singing - JOJO Sivas songs - I feel that they have found their passion and I had to do everything to help them get better at it.

I reworded my question on what would happen if she didn't attend the class - to what was this doing to me? Careful introspection and reflection revealed that I was somewhat embarrassed and also feared - how I appeared to the facilitator. I also feared acknowledging to myself that Tara wasn't acknowledging my efforts. All this self talk was boosting my 'ego' by making me play the role of a suffering hero. 

While I was feeding my bruised ego - Tara had already moved on and wanted me to participate in the activity that currently held her focus - her dolls. I saw that she had so easily put this behind her and was moving forward - making most of the present moment. It was me who was whiling in the immediate past.

Unschooling believes that children are natural learners and are able to find their resources to learn. It is us parents who do everything we can to take control and start deciding for our children. This is what was happening to me too. I was attempting to take control and decide how she moves ahead in learning to sing. While she was content on watching and singing JoJo Siva songs. I missed seeing how much this little girl learnt in the process and all by herself. She learnt the lyrics and the tune. She learnt the dance moves and also learnt to improvise as she was aware that her voice and her body was different from her idol. I missed seeing how she put together her costume, shoes and make up. 

Many of us parents - attempt to continue controlling our children on the pretext of  'giving them exposure'. Some children just comply as they do not want to hurt their parents or fear their reactions. And we parents feel a great sense of achievement when our children agree to do what we want. However, is that what our children really want - we wouldn't know unless this is something they ask for. Thus if Tara wanted someone to teach her to sing - she would have asked for a teacher and then would have enthusiastically participated in not only finding a teacher and a class but also in attending and learning from it.

I asked myself - when do I step in? I think the best way for me to step in - is by stepping in for myself and planning things for myself and not intruding in my children's life. I need to keep reminding myself that my children will talk to me if they need help. Instead of planning for activities that will happen in the future - my focus needs to be on engaging in their present. Once I am 100 percent involved in their present, they will feel comfortable sharing their inner thoughts and desires. That's when we will find ways to do things together. Also it is important to believe in self- directed learning. So if one of my children want to bake or do origami or draw - I do not have to jump into finding classes and teachers for them. We could explore and learn by doing things together or I could simply help my child in bringing together the required resources. I need to also refrain getting lured by all that is being organized. In short I have to stop thinking for my child.

So it is time for me - to stop my urge to take control, to decide for my children and believe that they are not missing out on anything if they do not be part of what is being advertised or offered. The JOMO (Joy of missing out) is much better than the FOMO (fear of missing out). For in the joy of missing out - one actually experiences they joy of being in the present...in the here and now and in enjoying what we have.