Family 2: Idli memories!

29th April was my mother in laws birth anniversary. She passed away in August 2018 after battling for life in the ICU for about 15 days. A gastro attack killed her digestive system which was already messed up because of her erratic eating habits inspite of being highly diabetic. Slowly all her organs gave away and all our efforts to get her to feel better turned futile.

I yet remember the last time I met her. She was all covered in tubes (courtesy the ventilator and the dilator). When I entered the ICU all sanitized, she glanced at me and closed her eyes. I stayed with her for a few minutes and in my mind my bid her goodbye. The following day the doctors called 'C' to the hospital to give us the much dreaded news - she was no more.

Now whenever I do things that she loved doing - like feed a stray cat, crows or pigeons, or reuse washed milk packets and other plastic bags to pack food or cook food that could serve an army, or make her favourite dishes -idlis and dosas or chole bhature or at times neglect taking care of myself and how I appear; I see her grinning at me. Her grin seems to tell me that we are...were so similar in our ways of doing certain things.

Yes we were similar - and yet we were so different. There were so many areas which I could never match up to her level. Her ability to 'let go' and forgive. Her ability to bear pain usually inflicted on her by her most loved one's and that includes me too. Her ability to joke, laugh and do certain things just the way she wanted - without bothering about what people would say or how she would appear to others. Her generosity and her love had no bounds. She gave with an open heart and felt immense satisfaction in giving away her favorites - be it books, sarees, crockery, diaries, chocolates, food ...

My youthful ways and my judgmental and blaming attitude always came in the way of truly understanding where she came from and the reasons for her actions. I could never understand how she forgave so easily and adjusted to the nonsense certain people meted out to her. I was so angry all the time as through the lens of my world, I could never see hers. And the day I last saw her, I saw that I had missed my chance of being empathetic and understanding toward her, being a friend to her, I had lost the chance of learning so many things from her. It has taken me so long to even talk about my grief of losing her.

Last morning, a voice in me told me to mix the rice and urad dal to make idlis just the way my mother in law did. I used her recipe and also added a few methi seed to the soaked mixture just as she had taught me. I remembered that it was her birthday and if she were alive she would have treated us to idli and sambar along with the chana dal chutney. The entire process of making the idlis from scratch takes a day long process. First you soak the rice and the dal for about 8 to 10 hours and then grind it all into a fine batter (a bit course if you are making idlis and smooth if you are making dosas). Then you keep it overnight for fermentation and make soft idlis the following day. So today when the batter was ready to use, I steamed the idlis (in the steamer that once belonged to her). I even made chana dal chutney which I had not let myself learn from her when she was alive. It is now I realize how closed I was for not willing to switch from coconut chutney to chana dal chutney. Where as she always ensured that she made some coconut chutney just for me.

Today while making the idlis I let memories flood me and I had tears in my eyes when I remembered my first interaction with her - which was on the landline - 'C' had called her as soon as I had said yes to his proposal. I recalled getting angry with her for creating a mess in my kitchen, cooking upma that could serve our entire building, adding almost quarter kilo of ghee to the sabudana khichdi, for folding the washed clothes in a way I disliked....oh the list could go on...and everytime, I got angry, she would patiently wait for me to cool down. I remembered the days when she was feeling super vulnerable as her 'home' had been sold off without her knowledge. I remember my chat with her when she revealed that she doesn't ever want to be dependent on anyone and she felt that her dignity had died when she lost her home.

I recollected her happiness when I told her that she didn't have to worry and she would always live with dignity - as her son owned a home and she would live there with her head held high. She happily moved into our 2bhk flat in Pune and rebuilt her life. She made new friends and life slowly became normal. She lived happily with whatever she had. As we had shifted to Pune a couple of years later - she got to see her grandchildren during weekends. She saw me through my third pregnancy and the birth of her grand daughter, who became her life and joy and the motivation to live.

As I was bringing alive my moments with her ...I checked on the amount of sambar I ended up making and a smile engulfed me...I know that she is yet there in me...and somewhere I am learning too...learning to be generous, to be kind, to be positive, to find joy in the simple things in life!

Unschooling 6 : Boredom from the unschooling perspective

'Mama, I am bored...what should I do?' asks my daughter (5 years old) many a times. I always respond by saying 'whatever you want to do' in a very calm voice - all soft and empathetic. I wait for her reaction and depending on it decide my next action. Most often she is happy at expressing her boredom and goes away to just sit around doing nothing and after a while she is back to her toys or her iPad. At times she develops curiosity about my activity and engages in a short discussion about it by asking me questions and there are a few times when she waits without giving any reaction. It is only when she does that, I get the hint that she wants me to play with her or talk to her or just make her feel loved. This is when I take an initiative to engage with her with her for a while and soon she is back to playing or doing things by herself. At times I do tell her to wait until I finish the task in my hand and sometimes I involve her in whatever I am doing.

My boys who are much older do not want me to resolve their boredom and most often they just express it for the sake of saying it aloud. While my older son has a typical response to boredom - lie on the bed and stare into nothing. He could do it for hours together. At times, he plays mindless games on his computer. After he has had enough - he would get into creating something - either music or character sketching. My second son usually picks up a toy - his volleyball or a rubic cube or simply surfs the net when bored. He too, engages in something totally unique and amazing post his boredom phase - it could be improvising or creating a game, or could be creating a video or coming up with something fun to do.

There was a time when I used to get all worked up and hassled by the word 'boredom'. As soon as I would hear the 'B' of boredom, I would spring into action offering many options.They would refute each of my suggestion, making me all the more vulnerable to anger and frustration. My conditioning would take over and I would call them lazy when I would see them just lying on the bed or staring blankly at something. It was only when I started unschooling that I changed. Unschooling welcomes boredom. Sitting idle doesn't mean you are doing nothing - as there is a lot of inner work happening when you sit idle or play mindless games. Many powerful things are happening inside you during this period.

So what is this boredom? Boredom is generally an emotional state in which the individual feels restless and experiences lack of interest in anything. While in this state, the individual isn't able to decide on what to do and doesn't find any options appealing enough. A bored person cannot concentrate on the current activity. I definitely experience boredom frequently. The other day, I experienced a lack of interest in the movie I was watching and labeled it as boredom. I couldn't concentrate. I let myself stay in the state of boredom, kept fidgeting around as my restlessness increased. The feeling ended when I picked up my art material and started doodling.

Sometimes when you are bored - nothing interests you. You run over various options in your mind and discard them as soon as they arrive. Often this overwhelming mind work leaves you all drained out and tired. You finally give up and choose to do nothing at all. This is how I describe my boredom. What gets you out of this state of mind is a mystery. It just happens, you spend time dwelling in that state of mind and then spend time experiencing and being with this nothingness and suddenly you snap out and start doing something - usually its what you find interesting - like I start doodling or cooking and my older son plays music or does character sketching.

Unschooling welcomes boredom and believes that boredom results in creativity. An unschooling parent refrains from forcing the child out of this state and lets everything take its natural course. In our current schooled world, where we are conditioned to keep ourselves busy all the time, this experience of boredom is shunned and considered a waste of time - I have so very often heard a parent or an adult say, "he does nothing through out the day, what a waste he is." During my childhood I have often heard my parents say, "Don't sit idle...there is so much work to do - help me in housework or get to your studies."

My teachers would consider it wrong to keep staring at either the fan or the board and if I ever stared out of the window, I would have had it. No one encouraged me to stay in this state of mind. In fact they labeled me as useless, dull, good for nothing, lazy poke... and even after so many decades these labels play a role in my behaviour patterns. They have formed a lasting impact that is taking a long time to break.

Now when my children are free and are not reprimanded for being in this state of mind, I can see how aligned they are to their feelings and thoughts and in their creative endeavors. I can see that there is definitely something super powerful in being in the state of nothingness and boredom. And I wonder - How would I have shaped, if I had this freedom during my childhood?

While I was writing this post, a post from a dear friends wall popped up. Someone else I know spoke about boredom and the word boredom was also mentioned in the 'unschooling webinar' that I co-host along with a friend. In fact my conversation with a friend was also all about boredom. It is rightly said that when you are thinking deeply about something - you keep noticing that particular thing everywhere.

Here is the poster put up on my friends wall:

Lockdown diary 26 : Mangoes, doodling and a lot more

As I am on the verge of completing my third doodle, my thoughts wander around everything I have achieved during this lockdown. I have read books, written a blog post almost everyday,  since March 15, designed my blog, baked, cooked all kinds of dishes, I have doodled, watched movies, exercised, done a lot of washing and cleaning, donated money for those affected deeply by the lockdown, stood in line for hours together at the grocery and vegetable shop...the list seems endless.

The other thing on my mind are mangoes. My first box of mangoes arrived late evening - and I have to thank the well organized mango procurement endeavor of all the ladies living in my colony. They organized everything in perfection, payment, packing, acknowledgement of delivery. My belief, "aam ke liye kuch bhi karega" (anything for mangoes) strengthened. I have resisted my temptation and will be opening the box tomorrow morning. As it is - its going to take 2 to 3 days for them to ripen.

An hour long discussion with a friend on the self directed learning alliance got me thinking about terms such as multiple intelligences, democratic learning, experimentation and mistakes. I have just started thinking about what meanings do I assign to these terms and how relevant they are to self - directed learning?

Another hour long interview with a journalist from Indian Express got me talking about my journey so far as an unschooling parent and also my approach to unschooling. I kept referring back to the five post series on unschooling that I have posted on Facebook last week and now aptly compiled in this blog. One can check those posts here on this blog here.

I am now thinking about topics for my future posts. I have many ideas and some of them are:

• Dealing with boredom - an unschoolers approach
• Free learning - how does it happen?
• Freedom and responsibility
• Do I need to provide exposure to my child - an unschoolers prespective
• Can I unschool? Dilemma of working parents

Tomorrow I start sharing my blog on various social media platforms. I am kind off nervous and excited at the same time...I do hope that people find my posts worthwhile and I do make some difference in the way they think...

Lockdown diary 25 : Engrossed in the world of doodles!

What I like about doodling is that you let your thoughts and your state of mind guide you to your next pattern or line. This is way different from drawing or painting as while doing so you rely heavily on the stored images in your mind or end up copying existing art. Whereas in doodling you just let things flow, you usually are in a trance and your pen moves freely without inhibitions, without any worry.

Doodling is thus meditative as you get completely immersed in your creation, making patterns as they come into your mind. It is also addictive - as you usually don't want to let go of it until its complete and even after you finish you spend a lot of time just staring at your freshly created art.

I am usually in a hypnotized position when I doodle. I forget thirst, hunger and rarely notice anything else around me - no sounds, no strange lights or powerful smells or even touch can sway me away from my work. I stop only when I feel the need to stop.

I do not know how I get an idea of what to doodle. When the urge to doodle sets in, I just look for some paper and a pen...if I don't find a pen I work with a pencil. At times I use a compass to draw circle guidelines and at times I just let the my pen have a freehand.

Last night I started this free flowing doodle. I stopped after working for about 30 minutes. I felt happy and satisfied and ready to sleep. There was no demand to hurry it up. I knew that I would pick up from where I left it last night, when I feel ready to work on it...when the need to doodle comes alive in me again...

Do take a look at all my doodles here.

My Family 1 : My Siddhu Piddhu is twelve years old!

It's my boys birthday today and in a years time he will be a teen. I get nostalgic as I recall the day I found out about his existence as a tiny cell growing day by day inside me. I remember waiting for 'C' to come home as I had a heightened sense of smell and was feeling super nauseous. While 'C' had gone out saying he would be home in a couple of hours, he had taken a really long time and had come back sporting a new tattoo -  a Ganesha on his arm. The following morning we were thrilled to see the two red lines indicating a positive on the home pregnancy test. The pregnancy days passed by smoothly with my older son getting educated about 'how babies are born'. He would look forward to viewing the 3D sonography images with a lot of wonder and curiosity during our visits to the Sonologist.

I had just completed 36 weeks, when I started feeling the tightness in my belly. The doctor - also my cousin's wife, said that we would do a C section immediately. She didn't want to take a chance with normal delivery as my first born was C delivery. Within a matter of two hours - she had him out and and she let me hold him for a few minutes in my half dazed state. He was so fragile and so beautiful.

Days became weeks and weeks turned into months and soon we were celebrating his first birthday. He was super attached to his big brother and followed him like a loyal pup. Though my older son had moments of sibling rivalry and envy, he would love being the big bro...playing with his little baby brother, feeding him, showing him picture books, listening to songs and watching re-runs of Cars and Lion King. Thanks to his older brother - he learnt so many things at such an early age.

I sometimes can't believe that he is going to be twelve today. Oh! how fast time flies...He is such a happy child. I have learnt to enjoy being in the present moment from him. He can get engrossed in his creations for hours and at times days together. Once something catches his eye, there is no stopping him. He spent days together with complete focus on learning to solve the rubic's cube, he self learnt to skate, to cycle to use the wave board and the skate board. He enjoyed multiplication so much that he made a tables book where he calculated and wrote tables from 1 to 200. He loved experimenting with liquids...he once made a solution of soap water, oil, colors and some spices and called it his chemical locha. This chemical locha also got him into real locha (trouble) as he was told off by the principal for bringing such hazardous things to school.

Just like his older brother, he took on the role of taking care of his little sister. Today Tara learns so much from him. Her knowledge about playing video games, doing math, learning to skate, cycle and use the skate board is all thanks to him. He knows how to make her laugh, play hide and seek and other games with her. He is teaching her to play minecraft and has taught her to play UNO. He is the mastermind behind all the tricks in playing cards, pictureka and dobbler.

When my older son decided to opt out of school, we thought that he would continue schooling as he thrived in the company of others and we were pleasantly surprised when he stated that he would also like to unschool. His resilience is also heartwarming. His current passion is volleyball and his volleyball was damaged soon after lockdown was announced. We have repaired it for now. He has been so calm about it. He manages with the repaired ball and wishes for freedom to play in the outdoors. I wish I could gift him a volleyball. Alas this lockdown is testing our ability to improvise and do things differently.

There are so many stories to share about this boy...my heart swells with love and pride every time I think about him...

I wish him a very happy birthday and wish that he continues being joyful and fun, a self directed learner and a sensitive being. Love you my Siddhu Piddhu!

Unschooling 5 : Challenges in unschooling

Challenges are as real as they are made out to be. We took a long time to adopt the unschooling way of living. Prior to that we experimented with various options such as group schooling, open schooling, free learning centers, regular schools, alternate schools and though we enjoyed our time in every system, we kept feeling that something was missing - and this was 'freedom and Autonomy'. Today, I am not going to talk about 'Freedom and Autonomy'. I am going to delve into my fears that gave rise to many challenges which drove me to try out the options that were socially accepted and gave me this false impression of 'doing the right thing.' (I would like to specify here that 'right and wrong' 'good and bad' differs for every individual and when I talk about doing the right thing - I am talking about an individuals perspective and this individual is me.)

1. Fear of the unknown: Unschooling is definitely not a popular way of learning or living life and we have very few examples. We also do not know 'how to bring in the required change to be able to follow the unschooling principles. For instance - we don't know how to stay away from hindering the autonomy of our children as we yet view everything from the perspective of structure, schedules and convenience. Sending children to school was always convenient - as everyone goes to school and that is the only known way of learning. Right to education (education is equated with schooling) is a child's right too and we have been conditioned to believe that schooling is the only way to learn. I could not imagine life otherwise. Schooling was a non negotiable. Unschooling as an option was unthinkable. It was only when our experiences with different kinds of schooling left my children unhappy and unsatisfied, we decided to try out unschooling and that to after we met a few other unschooling parents and children, attended workshops, read blogs and books and participated in forums...that our fear of the unknown subsided and we were ready to take the plunge.

2. Fear of being isolated and fear of being alone: Since not many families adopt unschooling, one of the biggest fear is of being isolated. This also happens when you assume that your neighbours and existing friends will look at you as weirdos and since you do not have all the answers, you assume that you will be ridiculed. Or at times you will be put on the pedestal. You assume that no one will want to relate to the real you. You fear that your child will not be included by school going children and that they will be lonely. This fear lead me to experiment with a learning center - only to learn that my children actually loved this alone period. So far they were always surrounded by children - the equations among children were based on comparison more that completion, on similar likes and dislikes, on performance at school in both academics as well as extra curricular. The pressure to be good at something was always there. They needed time to heal and once they healed, they themselves stepped out and made friends and started relating to people on terms way different from those they followed when they were schooled. Taking cues from them, as a parent, I slowly understood, the importance of spending some lone time myself to heal myself from the parental expectations I had put on myself. As I transformed, I found myself socializing a lot more and now relating to people more on the basis of compassion than comparison. We also took a support of unschooling and homeschooling communities during this period and participation in activities and events helped us to feel belonged.

3. Fear of being accepted by immediate family and relatives: We all thrive on the support we receive from our parents, siblings and cousins. Family gathering and connections are always important for us and hence it is natural to be anxious about their acceptance. We feared this too. We feared discussions where all our near and dear ones tried hard to convince us to go back to schooling. We feared comments such as, "You are ruining your child's life", "You are at this position only because we sent you to school", "what will your children do when they grow up - become maid servants?" We feared - falling down in our parents eyes and we feared that they would stop supporting us and being part of our life. Our fear was so huge at one point that we avoided giving a correct picture of what we were doing to my mother-in-law and my biggest regret is that she passed away before we mustered the courage to trust her and give her the real picture.  Luckily my dad did his research and after testing us for a while realized that we had given this a lot of thought and started supporting us. The biggest timely support I received from him was when he stood by me and defended me in front of my spouses relatives during a discussion on unschooling. My siblings are okay with our decision. We did have a few discussions initially, but we don't talk about unschooling at all. They have accepted that this is my life and my responsibility. My mum always believed that I had a right to live my life on my terms and hence doesn't enforce her views on me. She currently is in two minds. She is overjoyed to see my children engage and excel in their interests and also worries about them when she sees them at home all the time.

4. Fear of the future: The most frequently asked question that drives most to bring in some kind of learning curriculum is the fear of the future and the fear of not being at par with other children of their age. This fear was alive in me when we were shifting from one type of school to another. We gave up this fear when we started unschooling. During our initial period of unschooling, an unschooling parent shared, "Nobody has seen the future - no one has guarantee that sending their child to school is going to ensure a happy life. So why waste time brooding over something we cannot fathom? Live in the present, make most of every moment and you will soon forget worrying about the future.
The second worry about whether my children would be at par with other children was replaced by an unschooling belief that all children are unique and develop at their own pace. Assessments and grades are only a way of social and economic filtering and not a way of determining someones intelligence. Also grade wise syllabus denies the children any opportunity to spend more time learning something they are interested in and denies freedom to decide the depth and extent to which one learns about a concept or skill. Also the fact that standardised curriculum teaches standardised knowledge and doesn't encourage children to make meaning and create their own knowledge. We definitely wanted to stay away from such comparisons and believe that our children are unique and free to learn.

Thus our challenges ceased to be challenges as we sorted things out for us as a family. Once we were confident about our decision to unschool, things started looking bright and our challenges simply faded away.

I would like to put down a word of caution - all this was possible for us as both me and my spouse were on the same page. We never had any difference of opinion with regards to unschooling and supported each other during our contemplative days. I advice parents to be aware of how parental differences actually do a lot more harm to the child as the child lives in a constant state of confusion which further hinders their growth.

Unschooling 4 : Transitioning and Deschooling

The initial phase of unschooling especially when your children have been to school is a real tough phase. You may read many books, speak to many other unschoolers, you may model some unschooling parents and yet you may feel as though things are not working for you and you will slip into your old ways of parenting - telling your children what to do and taking control over their lives. The only way to transit through this phase is through focused inner work. Inner work where you question your belief systems and the way they manifest in your behaviour. Reflection and introspection is the 'key' to successful transition.
This process of transition is also called 'deschooling' as one deschools - i.e unlearns our previous notions about, children, learning and parenting. Life was tough for us too when we were in this phase of deschooling. There were many occasions when I my behaviour patterns resisted my efforts to change and they took control of me. I often reacted instead of responding. Two patterns that were super difficult to change were my reactions when my children refused to eat food and when I found their rooms to be in a complete mess.
I was advised by many unschooling families to 'let my children be' and not force them to do anything - not even to brush or take a bath. Be at ease and okay with their choices and decisions. Experiencing complete autonomy and freedom is a must, I was told. There will test you frequently before they begin to trust you. Just as you are unlearning as a parent - they are also unlearning everything they have been conditioned to do so. They will first take charge of themselves and start making decisions around their needs - what, when to eat, take a bath, sleep. They will probably spend a lot of time doing 'nothing' or would resort to doing things that they were restricted to do like for example - they would want to watch television all day or game all the time. They would probably say no to all your suggestions - so avoid giving them any.
Sandra Dodd one of the veteran unschoolers from USA said that 'for every year of formal schooling, the children need one month of deschooling. During this phase, I learnt that my response to their behaviours determined whether this deschooling would go back to restart / reboot position or would reach newer heights. I also learnt that it would take one month for every year of my life for me to deschool.
The first step for me was to venture into my inner self and 'understand my patterns'. I asked myself questions around - how did these patterns develop? What feelings emerged just before and just after facing a challenge around food and cleanliness. What belief systems were in play here? What were my intentions behind my reactions. This journey took me to discover my fears, my conditioning and my beliefs that shaped my role as a parent, the outcomes I had set for myself for being a successful parent and further led to change. While I was yet in the process of understanding this bit for myself I decided to follow a few steps:

1. Take a pause - do not react immediately
2. Relax your nerves by taking a deep breath and calm yourself by counting upto ten or any other mental strategy that works for you
3. Respond by saying - its okay, maybe you are not hungry or I think you are fine with the mess in your room.
4. Ask yourself - what would happen if my children don't eat when I want them to? Or what could I do to ensure there are not many left overs? With regards to their rooms I asked myself - what would happen if I don't expect that have to clean their rooms? Their rooms belong to them and everything in their rooms are owned by them - so is it my job to clean?

There were times when I put on too much pressure on myself by working hard preparing a menu that they loved or tidying up their room myself. When I did that there were times when they just said, I am not hungry right now and went back to whatever they were doing. If I tidied their room, they would mess it up again in a few hours. This would cause more frustration and anger in me.

As I started following step 3 mentioned above, I gradually saw a difference in their response too. Initially they wondered why I wasn't nagging them any more. Then they started asking me for food and when I started asking them to serve for themselves or fix something for themselves - they started cooking. Once I stopped cleaning their rooms, they could no longer ask me for things they were looking for and started tidying things up themselves. And the best part is - I got more and more time for myself.

It's wonderful to see my older son be very specific about where he keeps his things. My other two who are much younger often forget to pick up their toys after play and then we have days when they spend many hours clearing up their mess and reorganizing their toys and shelves.

As days progressed into months, we found that two years had passed since they last attended school, and we realized that we had come a long way. Its been two years since they have done any academic / syllabus focused learning and have yet learned so much. We have changed a lot as a family and as individual beings.

Now whenever my old patterns do surface, they are okay with it and assure me that understand my concern and yet they have the ability to decide for themselves. I too don't make too much drama over their tantrums or their unwillingness to live by my expectations. They trust me just the way I trust them.

I perceive my role differently now. (Do take a look at my previous post to see how my role as a parent has reshaped.)

(I am a mother to three unschooling children aged 15, 12 and 5. We started unschooling about three years ago after a stint in a open learning system for two + years.)

https://unschoolingmom2mom.com/deschooling/

Unschooling 3 : Role of a parent

Role of Parents in unschooling their children

When we started unschooling, I felt that everything was going to be easy. But believe me, it wasn't. The first few months were especially very tough. I would get frustrated at their unwillingness to cooperate and help in household chores. They wanted autonomy over everything - when to sleep, eat, bath, brush teeth. They wanted to be on their gadgets all the time. They didn't want to engage in any academic learning and also found their extra curricular classes a burden to attend. I felt that they were drifting away from me and our relationship was not getting any stronger. I sure wasn't happy.

I knew I wasn't doing something right. I wasn't playing my role effectively. I had to unlearn my previous ways and adorn a new way of doing things. A lot of hardwork, talking to other unschooling parents, reading books and blogs helped me work out a new role for myself. As I slowly fit myself into the role, I saw things changing. My children felt accepted and no longer felt the need to rebel. They started sharing stories and happenings in their life. They started giving me space to follow my interests. As they took charge of themselves, they started taking care of their hygiene, started cooking, cleaning. The ugly moments became less and less frequent and we all started having a good time learning and living life.

Here is a glimpse of my new role:

1. Children are individuals with a mind of their own. They need to use their mind to make choices and decisions. Thus approach them the way you approach other adults.

2. When you tell an adult to do something and you insist that they do it your way - you become a nag. Stop nagging your children. Accept that they will do things differently.

3. Do not label or judge their actions as good or bad, wrong or right. There is always a reasoning behind an action. Choose to accept their actions and have respectful conversations around the reasoning behind these actions.

4. Be naturally curious about their life and the way they 'tick'.

5. Have fun with them. Bring out the child in you while having fun.

6. Create an atmosphere for learning. This is done by being available to them when they want to talk or share something personal. Be a sounding board for your children.

7. Children have the resources to deal with their wants, needs and challenges. Hence avoid the urge to solve their problems.

8. Boredom is good. Many a times, they will come to you for solutions for their boredom and shoot all your suggestions down. Whenever my children say, I am bored, what should I do? I say, "Whatever you want to do." I stop myself from immediately jumping to take responsibility to engage them in some activity that keeps their boredom away.

9. Believe that they own the consequences of their actions. Sometimes their actions will not lead to favorable results. That is okay. Encourage them to see that the consequences are a guide to their future decisions.

10. Be patient especially when they are in a bad mood or when they are highly emotional.

11. Trust them and believe that they are learning all the time. They may not have planned schedules or learning goals and targets and measureable outcomes and yet they will be learning and their learning will be visible in application, through living their everyday life.

12. It is okay for children to be doing 'nothing' as there is a lot happening inside them when they are doing 'nothing'.

13. Believe and rejoice in their freedom. As with freedom comes responsibility. Once free they will first take responsibility for themselves and then move on to their immediate surrounding and significant people in their lives and then this will spread to neighbourhood and the macro environment.

As I was thinking about the role I play, I realize that there are so many things I do differently now and I keep learning to do differently with each passing day and many things cannot be enlisted and hence I would like to end this note by saying that 'connection is more important than correction' (a line from the book, Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary). This line actually says it all. Whether your child goes to school or not, a parent can definitely follow this.

Unschooling 2 : Beliefs about Learning

What are the unschooling beliefs about learning?

Learning is defined as acquisition or modification of knowledge, skills, behavior, beliefs and values and it also shapes our preferences. My schooled mind used to believe that the number of degrees and certificates mark my learnedness. I had many pre-conceived notions about learning which were challenged once we started unschooling. My reflections over the past three years of unschooling reshaped my understanding of 'learning' and here are my new beliefs about this evergreen phenomena that keeps me alive. In our unschooling journey - my children have freedom to be and do and learn whatever they want to. They follow their curiosity and their interest in learning and these beliefs guide me in my way of life.
Belief 1: Every human being is learning all the time. We start learning the second we are born. Learning continues all through out our life. Age isn't a barrier to learning.
Belief 2: Every living moment provides an opportunity to learn. Hence learning is not confined to classrooms and various learning programs.
Belief 3: Learning takes place when you are curious and interested in something and takes you to as much depth or extent you want to traverse.
Belief 4: Learning takes place through our senses. Our senses of touch, taste, hearing, smell and sight provide us with the stimuli. We process the stimuli in our brains using our past experiences and existing knowledge. We either reaffirm what we know, question our existing knowledge, create new knowledge or simply add on to what we already know.
Belief 5: Every being has a different learning style. Learning is a combination of many different styles such as auditory, kinesthetic, musical, visual, verbal, mathematical, mechanical etc.
Belief 6: Every being also follows their own unique pace in learning. Hence comparison and competition are futile exercises.
Belief 7: Freedom enhances learning. Forced learning or learning something as decided and controlled by someone else may result in you just memorizing data and complying and conditioning ourselves to do things we might do differently otherwise.
Belief 8: Children or adults do not need text books and age specific syllabus to learn about various concepts. They have the resources to find multiple resources to gain more information or develop skills.
Belief 9: Unlimited free play is an important tool for learning. When I say free play, it means play without any supervision from an adult. In case adults engage in free play with children, they need to keep away any notion of superiority, supervision and control.
Belief 10: We use the tools of the culture to learn. These tools may vary for every child, depending on the culture they are part of. Gadgets including laptops, IPad, PCs, smart phones are all tools of our current universal culture.
Belief 11: Learning shapes and reshapes our values and belief systems and this in turn impacts decision making and the alignment of the head, heart and the core.
All in all staying in alignment with our body, soul and mind is the crux of learning. Learning helps us maintain a balance between the three and keeps us aligned. This alignment keeps us happy as it helps us make decisions which we thrive upon.

Originally posted on Facebook on April 21, 2020

Unschooling 1 : Beliefs about Children

I am starting a 5 post series to share my understanding of unschooling. Today I talk about beliefs about children. Tomorrow I will cover beliefs around learning, following which we will look at role of parents in unschooling. The fourth write up will be about tips for transitioning into unschooling and the last note will be about facing challenges in unschooling.
One of the most frequently asked question to me is around what is unschooling and how is unschooling different from homeschooling. I simply say that in unschooling you do not follow a curriculum where as in homeschooling you do. In unschooling the child is completely free to do as they please and in homeschooling the control shifts from the school to the parent. When I say this I also add - unschooling follows very different beliefs - actually these beliefs about children, how they learn, role of a parent are opposite of our current popular norms.
Here are some of my belief about children and these beliefs have reshaped the way I parent my children:

Belief 1: Children are born with an alignment between their head, heart and their core (i.e their wants /needs). They are very attuned to their needs and their head and their hearts work in perfect sync. As they grow older a misalignment is created when adults start taking over and start deciding everything for the child.
Belief 2: Children are meaning making beings. This belief takes inspiration from the constructionist approach which believes that children construct their own knowledge. They use their senses for this purpose.
Belief 3: Children are naturally curious. One cannot force them to be curious. If something interests them, they will indulge in their quest for learning more about it.
Belief 4: Children have the ability to find the resources to support them to make meaning (learn). Children do not need a tutor or a teacher to teach them. If they need one, they will find one. Their interest in something drives them to find their resources.
Belief 5: Children have the ability to decide the depth or the extent to which they want to go into while learning about something.
Belief 6: Unlimited Play with children of varying ages, unlimited opportunity to chat with parents, family members and other adults, unlimited and uninterrupted use of time especially when they are engaged in something that interests them is crucial to enhance their learning. Availability of these in abundance is what ensures their learning.
Belief 7: Children have the ability to make choices and own the consequences both favorable and non favorable. The heart feels and the head thinks...together they can both help a child decide what they would like to do. The adults in the lives of the children do not allow children to make choices on the basis of their fears. These fears are usually centered around - what if it doesn't work, what if it is a mistake, how will others react or what if their choice harms themselves or others.

Belief 8: Children have the ability to create their own belief and value system. Their past experiences, conversations with peers and adults, knowledge of various perspectives and values help them create this for themselves. However most adults enforce their own beliefs and value systems on their children through moral stories, family norms and practices.
I request all readers to go back into their childhood and reflect on whether these beliefs make sense to them? Do you resonate with these beliefs? What are your questions around these beliefs? Feel free to share your experiences related to the same.
Originally posted on Facebook on April 20, 2020

Lockdown diary 24 : The way children think

I do not like viruses and I am going to tell Corona that I don't like it, stated my daughter with conviction. I wish it go away and never come back and I am going to use my Magic wand and it will die added this little girl of five years. I looked at her lovingly with a 'me too wishes so' reply. Her patience is dying. There is an entire world waiting for her outside - the trees, the bushes, the little creatures, birds, the play park and friends and yet she cannot go. For her the outdoors is like the ice-cream you are not allowed to have.
As a parent, I do not want to build fear in her and at the same time I don't want her to take things casually. I do not want her to have false notions that this is going to end soon and at the same time, I do not want her to give up on hope. I want her to be living each day believing that this is going to end someday and we are going to be able to move and play freely without any fear.
Every few days we look at covid viualiser to check the number of infected people all over the world and also those who have died. The other day she told me that it's okay for people to die as they become stars like her Bono is and her grandparents (Hema aji and Ashok aba) are. When she said this, I got a tiny glimpse into her mind - she was processing so many things, associating them with her past experiences and making sense of everything that going on.
Today, her questions were centered around how her friend could go to her hometown. When I told her that her friend went before the lockdown was declared and is now finding it difficult to come back and that was the case with her other grandmother (Nalu aji) who is stuck in Pune. She went quiet for a while and then came back and shared that the virus is a bad guy and hopes it never comes back.
She often gets frustrated and says that she is bored and wants her usual routine back. She complains for a while and then gets back to playing. Her usual dialogue is, 'Mamma what should I do?' To which I answer, 'Whatever you want to.' The other day she said, 'I can't do what I want to - I can't play with Aadya, I can't go to the garden, I can't go the mall, I cant go to Pune. All I can do in such times is give her a tight hug and say that I feel the same too.
I am sure many parents must be in similar situations. This lockdown is hard for children and yet they display so much resilience. Their mind is actively processing the little bits that they hear, see and feel. They are making meaning of everything around them and these meanings they make are going to shape their notions, perspectives and behavior.
Their boredom gives way to creativity, their inquisitive mind gives way to reasoning and their feelings and thoughts give way to expression.
Originally posted on Facebook on April 17, 2020

Lockdown diary 23 : Learning all the time

  Whenever I sit to do some craft work with my daughter, I see a pattern emerging. She looks at craft time as Mamma Daughter time. She usually knows what she wants me to make. After a few minutes of trying, she is happy to let me continue working on the project while she either watches me or shifts her attention to something else. She does check every few minutes on what I have created so far. She is super thrilled to see the end product.
Me on the other hand gets completely involved in our creation. I get so engrossed that I don't bother much about my daughter straying away. I complete the work we started and love watching the joy on my daughter's face. This is a new pattern in my behaviour. Just today we made an origami crown. It was so much fun. She as usual stepped away midway through our activity and I completed it all by myself with 'C' stepping in to help in the last bits. This crown is her current treasure. She wore her crown and was dancing happily when I suggested that we make a star wand too. The folds were a bit complicated this time and she left me to make it by myself. On seeing the star she attempted to make the wand on which she would attach the star and this time I gave the wand the much needed reshape. We both were super happy with our creation.
Last week we had this very same experience when we made the mini book and the pencil holder. Though she has forgotten about the pencil holder which was aptly damaged by my cat, she guards the mini book as her treasure.
Sometimes, she also engages in creating something all by herself and when she does she too immerses in her creation for hours together, like when she made a 'My little Pony' with play dough and made a cardboard house for our neighborhood kittens. Two days ago, she kept a container of water, some grains and papaya seeds outside our house and waited patiently for the birds and insects to come and enjoy the feast she had laid out.

I watch her with so much love during these moments. Children are so uncomplicated. They are attuned to what they want and there is no pretense. It is we adults who add on a baggage of expectations and judgments; and children learn to pretend, make excuses and stories - wear masks. They know it when we adults do things as an obligation and not because we really want to. I have just begun to shed all the baggage I carry and have started experiencing the fruits of it...and I hope it stays that way.

Originally posted on Facebook on April 17, 2020

Lockdown diary 22 : Making sense of words...

A post on generosity triggered many thoughts in me. For me I experience generosity when I share something I have without any expectations of getting something in return. In that sense, generosity for me is completely unconditional. It is devoid of any ulterior motive. It is something where the giver gives willingly. The post also differentiated between generosity and transactions and stated that one should not confuse generosity with transactions. Transactions - meaning when you share something you possess expecting something in return - you could either barter your goods (both tangible or intangible) or sell them for money.
The next question that cut across my mind - is generosity and helpfulness the same? As usual I resorted to a google search to gain more clarity. One site stated that Helpfulness requires someone to ask for help. Generosity is help without being asked. Helpfulness involves someone being in a more powerful position and being asked to help the person with less. I realized that I had been using the terms interchangeably - as synonyms. I had never seen helpfulness as a symbol of power.
My thoughts moved toward something a 7 year old boy had shared about the difference between kindness and caring. I don’t remember his exact words. What I understood from his words was - Kindness is more about being good to someone without any expectations. It is being spiritual. Whereas when we are caring toward someone - we put ourselves in a position of superiority. I have something that you don’t and I am giving it to you. I saw a parallel between kindness and caring and generosity and helpfulness and learnt that they are definitely not synonyms.
Am I aware of my experiences with these concepts? Have I truly understood what these concepts mean to me and how they become me? Do I ever ask myself - when I share something with someone - am I being generous or helpful? Am I doing it out of kindness or is it my way of caring?
The other two terms that intrigue me are ‘hope and expectations’. Hope for me is something I wish for. Something I eagerly want. However expectation is something I actually believe will happen. Looking at the way things are shaping all I can do is hope - hope that the COVID 19 pandemic gives rise to a new social order. A social order where there is enhanced connection between people, where human relationships become stronger and not a mere tool for ‘transactions.’ A social order where people prefer generosity over helpfulness and kindness over caring.

Originally posted on Facebook on April 16, 2020

Lockdown diary 21 : To blog or not?

I have decided to start a blog. It has been on my mind for sometime now. After some consideration, I have currently decided to go in for a free blog on Blogspot. On the basis of how it progresses, I will decide to buy a domain. For now I will go with this.

My initial challenge is to find a name. I do have some ideas coming in from friends on Facebook and I have my own ideas to. A friend feels that I should wait - it will come to me. How does - 'My Experiences of Myself' sound? The blog address is available too. I started this writing journey with this thought in my mind. Full credit goes to the book, 'Conversations with God' to have implanted this question in my being - 'What is my experience of myself?'
While I am engrossed in the idea of starting a blog, another project idea has started brewing in my mind - a project where I make myself available to all those who are exploring homeschooling / unschooling on the phone or on a video call for a couple of hours every week for the next two months. I record these conversations and make them available for those interested. This will help many in their decision to opt out of the schooling system, or to become aware parents even if they decide to stay in the system. Right now, this is just an idea. I need to consider many factors before I commit myself to it.
A dear friend an unschooler with a 11 year old son has started weekly zoom meetings to create a support system for homeschooling / unschooling families. I am definitely part of these too. Do join us in these meetings. They are titled as Unschooling Support Group - Zoom Webinar. Here is the link for this weeks event. https://www.facebook.com/events/264226544742663. Each week we take one question centered around unschooling as the main theme and if possible invite a guest to share their unschooling experiences. We have had two sessions already and are now figuring out ways to make the webinar more interactive. During the last session we had Gauranga a 17 year old homeschooler as our guest and the theme was, 'Transition and deschooling.'
Alongside all this, I am also working with a few like minded people on starting a forum or we could call it an alliance for Self- Directed Learning Spaces. Those interested in knowing more about any of these projects can leave a comment and inbox me your phone numbers and gmail ids and we can talk more about it.

Originally posted on Facebook on April 15, 2020

Lockdown diary 20 : Peeling of the Masks

Since childhood, we are taught to shun away certain emotions and their behaviour manifestations. So if you feel sad and you cry - you are told to not cry and that only the weak shed tears. If you are angry and use a few harsh words or cause physical damage to either self or the other, you are reprimanded for your behaviour, demeaned and labeled to be the bad guy. If you fail an exam - you are told not to fret over it and start working hard or you are labeled to be a duffer. I remember when I would sit idle or stare at something for a long time, I would be labeled as lazy and uninterested person. All in all every effort was made to teach me to not 'understand my feelings'. I was also taught that I had to be doing something constantly - sitting idle or staring at things was a complete no no.
However, we human beings know how to hack things and put on a mask of pretense. Thus I mastered the art of daydreaming by seeming super attentive in class. I would cry under my blanket covers or in the bathroom where no one would see me. I learnt to put up a fake smile, fake curiosity, fake empathy and fake positivity. What I didn't learn was to identify my emotions and deal with them in a way that didn't harm - me myself or anyone else.

So when I saw a post put up by a friend where she provoked people by saying, "take off your mask of positivity and share exactly what you are going through", I got worried. Are we equipped to deal with ourselves once we shed our mask away? Or do we just look at negativity as the 'next in thing' and continue ranting about how miserable our lives are? It is so easy to get stuck in our stories and behave like 'suffering heros.' I got concerned over whether people were equipped to do all the inner work required to be able to be at peace with one's feelings - whether good or bad, positive or negative. Were people willing to put aside these labels of good and bad, right or wrong, positive or negative and delve deep into just understanding these feelings - where do they come from, how do they impact us, what role do they play in our decisions, what do they leave us with and do we want to change something about these feelings - change how they impact us or the ways in which they rule us?
While I was dwelling over this, it dawned to me that we were born without any mask. We put it on as we were growing and then somewhere during our adulthood - we were lost. We then resorted to coaching, counselling, workshops on inner work, following gurus and babas, meditation and began our journey into our inner self.
If we just let our children be and let their experience, feelings and thoughts guide them to live their life. If we just refrain from our urge to provide them with all the answers. If we stay away from trying to control them and decide what they should think about and how they should behave. If we just value their freedom and believe in its impact. If only we trust them, accept them as they are - they will never feel the need to put on masks...
So lets all take a pause and look at our children and the masks they have already put on and decide on what we could do to deconstruct these masks to reveal their true selves...what could we do - to nurture them to thrive by being themselves.

Originally posted on Facebook on April 14, 2020