Unschooling 4 : Transitioning and Deschooling

The initial phase of unschooling especially when your children have been to school is a real tough phase. You may read many books, speak to many other unschoolers, you may model some unschooling parents and yet you may feel as though things are not working for you and you will slip into your old ways of parenting - telling your children what to do and taking control over their lives. The only way to transit through this phase is through focused inner work. Inner work where you question your belief systems and the way they manifest in your behaviour. Reflection and introspection is the 'key' to successful transition.
This process of transition is also called 'deschooling' as one deschools - i.e unlearns our previous notions about, children, learning and parenting. Life was tough for us too when we were in this phase of deschooling. There were many occasions when I my behaviour patterns resisted my efforts to change and they took control of me. I often reacted instead of responding. Two patterns that were super difficult to change were my reactions when my children refused to eat food and when I found their rooms to be in a complete mess.
I was advised by many unschooling families to 'let my children be' and not force them to do anything - not even to brush or take a bath. Be at ease and okay with their choices and decisions. Experiencing complete autonomy and freedom is a must, I was told. There will test you frequently before they begin to trust you. Just as you are unlearning as a parent - they are also unlearning everything they have been conditioned to do so. They will first take charge of themselves and start making decisions around their needs - what, when to eat, take a bath, sleep. They will probably spend a lot of time doing 'nothing' or would resort to doing things that they were restricted to do like for example - they would want to watch television all day or game all the time. They would probably say no to all your suggestions - so avoid giving them any.
Sandra Dodd one of the veteran unschoolers from USA said that 'for every year of formal schooling, the children need one month of deschooling. During this phase, I learnt that my response to their behaviours determined whether this deschooling would go back to restart / reboot position or would reach newer heights. I also learnt that it would take one month for every year of my life for me to deschool.
The first step for me was to venture into my inner self and 'understand my patterns'. I asked myself questions around - how did these patterns develop? What feelings emerged just before and just after facing a challenge around food and cleanliness. What belief systems were in play here? What were my intentions behind my reactions. This journey took me to discover my fears, my conditioning and my beliefs that shaped my role as a parent, the outcomes I had set for myself for being a successful parent and further led to change. While I was yet in the process of understanding this bit for myself I decided to follow a few steps:

1. Take a pause - do not react immediately
2. Relax your nerves by taking a deep breath and calm yourself by counting upto ten or any other mental strategy that works for you
3. Respond by saying - its okay, maybe you are not hungry or I think you are fine with the mess in your room.
4. Ask yourself - what would happen if my children don't eat when I want them to? Or what could I do to ensure there are not many left overs? With regards to their rooms I asked myself - what would happen if I don't expect that have to clean their rooms? Their rooms belong to them and everything in their rooms are owned by them - so is it my job to clean?

There were times when I put on too much pressure on myself by working hard preparing a menu that they loved or tidying up their room myself. When I did that there were times when they just said, I am not hungry right now and went back to whatever they were doing. If I tidied their room, they would mess it up again in a few hours. This would cause more frustration and anger in me.

As I started following step 3 mentioned above, I gradually saw a difference in their response too. Initially they wondered why I wasn't nagging them any more. Then they started asking me for food and when I started asking them to serve for themselves or fix something for themselves - they started cooking. Once I stopped cleaning their rooms, they could no longer ask me for things they were looking for and started tidying things up themselves. And the best part is - I got more and more time for myself.

It's wonderful to see my older son be very specific about where he keeps his things. My other two who are much younger often forget to pick up their toys after play and then we have days when they spend many hours clearing up their mess and reorganizing their toys and shelves.

As days progressed into months, we found that two years had passed since they last attended school, and we realized that we had come a long way. Its been two years since they have done any academic / syllabus focused learning and have yet learned so much. We have changed a lot as a family and as individual beings.

Now whenever my old patterns do surface, they are okay with it and assure me that understand my concern and yet they have the ability to decide for themselves. I too don't make too much drama over their tantrums or their unwillingness to live by my expectations. They trust me just the way I trust them.

I perceive my role differently now. (Do take a look at my previous post to see how my role as a parent has reshaped.)

(I am a mother to three unschooling children aged 15, 12 and 5. We started unschooling about three years ago after a stint in a open learning system for two + years.)

https://unschoolingmom2mom.com/deschooling/