Family 2: Idli memories!

29th April was my mother in laws birth anniversary. She passed away in August 2018 after battling for life in the ICU for about 15 days. A gastro attack killed her digestive system which was already messed up because of her erratic eating habits inspite of being highly diabetic. Slowly all her organs gave away and all our efforts to get her to feel better turned futile.

I yet remember the last time I met her. She was all covered in tubes (courtesy the ventilator and the dilator). When I entered the ICU all sanitized, she glanced at me and closed her eyes. I stayed with her for a few minutes and in my mind my bid her goodbye. The following day the doctors called 'C' to the hospital to give us the much dreaded news - she was no more.

Now whenever I do things that she loved doing - like feed a stray cat, crows or pigeons, or reuse washed milk packets and other plastic bags to pack food or cook food that could serve an army, or make her favourite dishes -idlis and dosas or chole bhature or at times neglect taking care of myself and how I appear; I see her grinning at me. Her grin seems to tell me that we are...were so similar in our ways of doing certain things.

Yes we were similar - and yet we were so different. There were so many areas which I could never match up to her level. Her ability to 'let go' and forgive. Her ability to bear pain usually inflicted on her by her most loved one's and that includes me too. Her ability to joke, laugh and do certain things just the way she wanted - without bothering about what people would say or how she would appear to others. Her generosity and her love had no bounds. She gave with an open heart and felt immense satisfaction in giving away her favorites - be it books, sarees, crockery, diaries, chocolates, food ...

My youthful ways and my judgmental and blaming attitude always came in the way of truly understanding where she came from and the reasons for her actions. I could never understand how she forgave so easily and adjusted to the nonsense certain people meted out to her. I was so angry all the time as through the lens of my world, I could never see hers. And the day I last saw her, I saw that I had missed my chance of being empathetic and understanding toward her, being a friend to her, I had lost the chance of learning so many things from her. It has taken me so long to even talk about my grief of losing her.

Last morning, a voice in me told me to mix the rice and urad dal to make idlis just the way my mother in law did. I used her recipe and also added a few methi seed to the soaked mixture just as she had taught me. I remembered that it was her birthday and if she were alive she would have treated us to idli and sambar along with the chana dal chutney. The entire process of making the idlis from scratch takes a day long process. First you soak the rice and the dal for about 8 to 10 hours and then grind it all into a fine batter (a bit course if you are making idlis and smooth if you are making dosas). Then you keep it overnight for fermentation and make soft idlis the following day. So today when the batter was ready to use, I steamed the idlis (in the steamer that once belonged to her). I even made chana dal chutney which I had not let myself learn from her when she was alive. It is now I realize how closed I was for not willing to switch from coconut chutney to chana dal chutney. Where as she always ensured that she made some coconut chutney just for me.

Today while making the idlis I let memories flood me and I had tears in my eyes when I remembered my first interaction with her - which was on the landline - 'C' had called her as soon as I had said yes to his proposal. I recalled getting angry with her for creating a mess in my kitchen, cooking upma that could serve our entire building, adding almost quarter kilo of ghee to the sabudana khichdi, for folding the washed clothes in a way I disliked....oh the list could go on...and everytime, I got angry, she would patiently wait for me to cool down. I remembered the days when she was feeling super vulnerable as her 'home' had been sold off without her knowledge. I remember my chat with her when she revealed that she doesn't ever want to be dependent on anyone and she felt that her dignity had died when she lost her home.

I recollected her happiness when I told her that she didn't have to worry and she would always live with dignity - as her son owned a home and she would live there with her head held high. She happily moved into our 2bhk flat in Pune and rebuilt her life. She made new friends and life slowly became normal. She lived happily with whatever she had. As we had shifted to Pune a couple of years later - she got to see her grandchildren during weekends. She saw me through my third pregnancy and the birth of her grand daughter, who became her life and joy and the motivation to live.

As I was bringing alive my moments with her ...I checked on the amount of sambar I ended up making and a smile engulfed me...I know that she is yet there in me...and somewhere I am learning too...learning to be generous, to be kind, to be positive, to find joy in the simple things in life!